Redemption (1st Revision)

[Robbie Reaper]

Redemption (1st Revision)
The vengefulness of your long awaited redemption
follows through with painstaking precision.
Restlessly, immobilization and incarceration
suppress your heart-beat with nervousness.
The endeavor is spellbinding throughout the
uppermost of your mind.
Yes, it may be awfully frightening ... nevertheless,
the dedication of your redemption is greater than
the consequences.



Redemption
The vengefulness of your long awaited redemption
follows through with painstaken precision.
Motionlessly, immobilization and incarceration
suppresses your heart-beat with nervousness.
The endeavor is spellbinding throughout the
uppermost of your mind.
Yet, it may be awfully frightening ... but nevertheless,
your redemption will come to pass.

-Robbie Reaper

[milo]

Redemption
The vengefulness of your long awaited redemption
follows through with painstaken precision.
Motionlessly, immobilization and incarceration
suppresses your heart-beat with nervousness.
The endeavor is spellbinding throughout the
uppermost of your mind.
Yet, it may be awfully frightening ... but nevertheless,
your redemption will come to pass.

-Robbie Reaper

POetry needs some kind of grounding in the concrete, hopefully with imagery.

Here is the list of abstractions in this very short poem:
vengefulness, redemption, precision, immobilization, incarceration, nervousness, endeavor, uppermost

1 or 2 abstractions in a poem this size would probably be too many. As is, it is so overwhelmingly abstract it doesn't give a reader anything to connect to. That is problem #1.

The second problem is much worse - there is nothing poetic here really. There is no attention or even awareness of sound or meter or any other poetic technique, even the linebreaks could be improved by throwing a dart at my computer screen. And for all that, it becomes hopelessly boring to read.

I am sure you are a great person and have lots of talent but I don't see much salvageable here.

Thanks for posting.

[swan~dive]

Redemption
The vengefulness of your long awaited redemption
follows through with painstaken precision.
Motionlessly, immobilization and incarceration
suppresses your heart-beat with nervousness.
The endeavor is spellbinding throughout the
uppermost of your mind.
Yet, it may be awfully frightening ... but nevertheless,
your redemption will come to pass.

-Robbie Reaper

Hi there, this will be my first critique so I will for the most part be limiting my feedback to your use of language and grammar, as well as clarity of meaning. I don't feel a connection to or have an emotional response to this poem, but I'll leave that for others to address as I'm new to this and don't know if I have the tools yet to specifically and helpfully address that side of things.

Some points:

- If I'm not mistaken, "painstaken" is not a word. I believe you meant to say "painstaking"

- In lines 3-4, if *both* immobilization and incarceration are suppressing their heartbeat, the correct verb would be "suppress", not "suppresses". Also, how are these things "motionlessly" suppressing their heart beat (maybe something to expand upon?), and if it is "with nervousness", isn't being nervous something that would generally *raise* the heartbeat?

- "The endeavor is spellbinding throughout the uppermost" *what* "of your mind"? The uppermost level? The uppermost plane of consciousness? Or even just the "uppermost part of your mind" would work. There needs to be a noun there.

- In lines 7-8, you use "yet" and "but nevertheless" in the same sentence. This is redundant and confusing. There is also a superfluous comma after "yet". I have to wonder if this was maybe a typo. Did you mean to type "Yes, it may be awfully frightening... but nevertheless"? This line would make a lot more sense if that were the case. Also, it is just my opinion that the phrase "but nevertheless" is redundant itself, and should just read "nevertheless".

- Finally, the last line in the poem does not make sense to me as it negates the entire rest of the poem. The first lines establish that the redemption you speak of *is* happening, in the present tense, and the entire poem is about the effect this redemption is having on the one being redeemed... the last line *completely* contradicts the entire basis of the poem by saying "but nevertheless, your redemption will come to pass". *Will* come? We just saw it come, the rest of the poem would not exist if it had not happened yet! Maybe you were going for something else here, but the line just doesn't make sense as is within the framework of the poem.

I hope this was helpful to you, and I wish you luck.

~Mary

[tectak]

Redemption (1st Revision)
The vengefulness of your long awaited redemptionvengeful redemption is a hard dichotomy...ask the Lord!
follows through with painstaking precision.Absoulte gobbledygook. Could win prizes.
Restlessly, immobilization and incarceration How restlessly? Not moving? Incarcerated? Again, intent is not on your priority list. You just like the words. Any words. Even the much favoured by lazy rappers...the "-tion" words. Rappers unite in vocalisa-tion.
suppress your heart-beat with nervousness.Nervousness? Tachycardia not bradycardia!
The endeavor is spellbinding throughout the What bloody endeavour? You never said it was hard work...whatever it is. Massive disconnect referring to nothing that has gone before.
uppermost of your mind.Errrr....what on earth does this mean. Sub-follicle?
Yes, it may be awfully frightening ... nevertheless,
the dedication of your redemption is greater than
the consequences.This last line is complete rot. I doubt whether even you know what it means...so I have no chance



Redemption
The vengefulness of your long awaited redemption
follows through with painstaken precision.
Motionlessly, immobilization and incarceration
suppresses your heart-beat with nervousness.
The endeavor is spellbinding throughout the
uppermost of your mind.
Yet, it may be awfully frightening ... but nevertheless,
your redemption will come to pass.

-Robbie Reaper

Hi Robbie and welcome.
You are getting all tied up in your endeavour. The words you are using are defeating you ability to construct sensible sentences. It is laudible that you use words of more than two syllables but it is better to subdue your crits with precision bombing rather than to cluster bomb us all with logorrhea from a great height.
Can I suggest that you condense the quintessential thought in this into a drop. Just WRITE DOWN what the point of the piece is. I cannot do this for you because I have neither the time, inclination or ability to so do.
Once you have that drop decide whether it is high enough in spiritual content to dilute into a smooth and palatable piece. If it is lacking in body, pour it down the sink and start again. As I see it....no, that's no good...frankly, I have no idea what your point is.
Keep it simple, make it clear, make it complete.
Best,
tectak