Queen

[Timmycom]

VERSION 3: ( edited S2 L1 ten minutes later thank you Leanne!)

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

How I miss hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.


VERSIONS 2: (a very severe rewrite )

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

I miss it. Hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.



VERSION 1:

This needs a lot of work... please suggest something

Queen


Sticky lips
smearing dye
stick needles
through a spindled eye
Sits splendid as
He sips his tea
All too important
Not to speak

And wonders
how she misses
when callouses
cared enough to hurt;
Smiles near perfect
as she hides the sound of mice
under the heel of her
one glass shoe

I like it, but I think it ends quite abruptly. The sturcture though is fine, it's just the end seems to stop very sudden to me as I read it.

The way I'd stop that is do something like this:

crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one

glass shoe.

But besides that I kind of liked it. To me sounds like it's about a girl, one running away from you, one that seems to be a princess but is sort of mischievousness, one that you have to find and make your own - as if your're the prince who only has the shoe of that girl. Honestly I donno if I liked the concept too much - Fairy tales have been kind of over done - not that's any of your fault. Although! It is original in the fact that it's not all about the fairtale, just the refeances to it make it seem your generalising your life via this fairy tale - and fairy-tales are over rated in my opinion XD