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My life was easier when you were an object,
but now you've been given a heart and a brain
by some rascally wizard a way down the road.
My soul, mortal and trembling, a cowardly dove,
blushed when it learned how pleasant you are.
I'd dreamt several times about sucking your cock,
and then there you were, a stable human being,
outside the caves of my mouth and desires.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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I am not keen on "rascally". It made me think of Bugs Bunny. I do like your weaving in of the Wizard of Oz, however.
Final strophe is scathingly human. I especially appreciate it, and the closing thought. I have said it before, but many of your pieces come through as loud little studies on the human psyche,and you execute them brilliantly.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Thank you for your kind and thoughtful feedback, Aish 
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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hey jack
it opens rather directly, which may be appropriate, but even starting with "you've been given a heart and a brain" gives me a bit more to imagine. i think the bluntness fits the approach.
the idea of a "mortal soul" is great.
Written only for you to consider.
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Thank you for your kind and thoughtful feedback, Philatone
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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07-25-2012, 11:30 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-25-2012, 11:31 AM by billy.)
(07-23-2012, 01:11 PM)Heslopian Wrote: My life was easier when you were an object,
but now you've been given a heart and a brain
by some rascally wizard a way down the road.
My soul, mortal and trembling, a cowardly dove,
blushed when it learned how pleasant you are.
I'd dreamt several times about sucking your cock,
and then there you were, a stable human being,
outside the caves of my mouth and desires. that's the trouble with cock sucking, you never get chance to notice the person 
no nots here jack. a good dorothy poem 
i could have liked it had it had a like button on it
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(07-25-2012, 11:30 AM)billy Wrote: a good dorothy poem
haha I like that. It should be a genre Thanks for the feedback, Bilbo
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Hello. I liked the first 3 lines and I think the closing line is terrific. Maybe "a thing" would fit better than "an object". I love rascally wizard.
I expected that opening sentence to continue, come to something of a conclusion. The 4th and 5th lines do nothing for me. I assume they're intended as arch, ironic?
"stable human being". It jars, rhythmically, particularly stable, though I like the pun.
Ray
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.
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Thank you for your kind and honest feedback, penguin I don't think I intended L4 and 5 to be ironic, whereas I meant the whole poem to have an arch tone of voice.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Can't say I care much for the title, but the poem itself is great. It's very clever in how it weaves itself in and out between blunt reality and oz-like fantasy. I imagine this may be jarringly funny to those who read it from a Dorothy POV
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Thanks for your kind and thoughtful feedback, addy As with a lot of my poems, I had trouble thinking up a title for this one. I find my eventual choice kind of clinical and pretentious, I must admit.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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I wouldn't go so far as to call it pretentious .... I suppose it is a bit clinical though
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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