VERSION 3: ( edited S2 L1 ten minutes later thank you Leanne!)

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

How I miss hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.


VERSIONS 2: (a very severe rewrite )

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

I miss it. Hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.



VERSION 1:

This needs a lot of work... please suggest something

Queen


Sticky lips
smearing dye
stick needles
through a spindled eye
Sits splendid as
He sips his tea
All too important
Not to speak

And wonders
how she misses
when callouses
cared enough to hurt;
Smiles near perfect
as she hides the sound of mice
under the heel of her
one glass shoe

(01-21-2010, 09:15 AM)addy Wrote:  This needs a lot of work... please suggest something

Queen


Sticky lips
smearing dye
stick needles
through a spindled eye
Sits splendid as
He sips his tea
All too important
Not to speak

And wonders
how she misses
when callouses
cared enough to hurt;
Smiles near perfect
as she hides the sound of mice
under the heel of her
one glass shoe

obviously an amalgam of fairy tale
but centered around cinders. i get a feeling of was it worth it. all the work all the getting ready and for what. to be ignored. that life really isn't a fairy tale.
i have a feeling i'm way off the mark but it's what i get.

the first stanza feels like an incantation of sorts.
would it work best as two quatrains

same with stanza 2
the internal rime works well.

and even though you have no definite rhyme
pattern so does
the external.

i'd make the title tell me something definite.
let it be a path of sorts.

for me it might work better if it were a two quatrain poem with longer lines. as is, each short line carries half the power it should.

i'm struggling with "stick needles" on it own line as it makes do a double take.

it's original with more than a single layer. so that in itself gets some good marks. i think you just need to tighten it up a little.

Great comments. Now that you point them out its faults are indeed glaring. The form of it needs a lot of work. And the line "stick needles" now leaps out at me too. Oh well, at least i know where to start with the edit

Much appreciated Billy

A lot of people believe that poetry is form. When they get that idea stuck in their heads, their poetry becomes stiff; words atrophied in their own definitions. I think you need to let this poem breathe a little bit. Let the words out of their box so they can sing. There is definately a poem in there.

"As the spirit wanes, the form appears," Charles Bukowski.

Thanks Nad. You're absolutely right. I have a tendency to "overwork" the poem to the point that it becomes forced.

Much appreciated

Hi addy, thought you could do with some attention and this has been hiding for a long time

(01-21-2010, 09:15 AM)addy Wrote:  This needs a lot of work... please suggest something

Queen


Sticky lips
smearing dye
stick needles -- what about "with needles stuck"?
through a spindled eye -- I like what you've done with the rhymes, they're not too obtrusive
Sits splendid as
He sips his tea
All too important
Not to speak -- for who? I'm guessing her, not him, but "all too important" makes this weak, even a subtle piece of action would improve the line before this, something like "and she remembers"

And wonders -- I would get rid of the line break, and have "and wonders how she misses", then "when callouses" on a line apart as it is now gains more emphasis
how she misses
when callouses
cared enough to hurt;
Smiles near perfect -- "near perfect smiles" might work better, for sonics
as she hides the sound of mice -- nice assonance and alliteration in these lines
under the heel of her -- you could try "beneath" instead
one glass shoe

I enjoyed the use of fairytale as allusion and I think you've done it quite well

Thank you so much! I love getting concrete suggestions on this... I intensely disliked it as time wore on, but now it seems totally workable

The idea deserves another look

i also think it's worth another looky.

Hi Addy,
This one was posted way before I got here, but since everyone else is bumping I'll do the same

(01-21-2010, 09:15 AM)addy Wrote:  Sticky lips
smearing dye
stick needles
through a spindled eye
Sits splendid as
He sips his tea
All too important
Not to speak

--The first part seems like it's trying to have a definite rhythm and rhyme scheme, but just needs tweaking. The second seems to abandon both- I think it might be best if you a) loosen up the first part and make the rhymes internal (or take them away altogether OR b) make the second stanza conform jmo

And wonders
how she misses
when callouses
cared enough to hurt;
Smiles near perfect
as she hides the sound of mice
under the heel of her
one glass shoe

To reiterate: Because of how the first stanza flows and rhymes, when I read 'cared enough to hurt;' I'm all built up to end on 'skirt' or something that rhymes. When it doesn't happen I feel like I'm missing something. (You know I'm new at this so if I'm all wrong just ignore me.)

Now on content:

'All too important
Not to speak'

I'm puzzling over this. I would get 'too important to speak', but I'm not sure I know where you're going with 'too important not to speak' . . . Maybe you mean too self-important to remain silent because the world needs to hear the wisdom (or some other egotistical impression), but that doesn't seem to fit either.

On Perception:

Seems like Cinderella got the prince, but now she is sick of his shit? (Probably way off, but the one glass shoe makes me think of that story and the 'And wonders
how she misses
when callouses
cared enough to hurt;' part makes me think she maybe she misses hard work (and the little Disney animal friends :p) because at least it was honest.

Anyway, that's my take. Thanks for sharing. (sorry if I'm way off)

Thanks for the feedback guys. Truth is I felt I could barely salvage the thing . I did an edit... if anyone feels like it please comment if I'm going the right direction

(01-21-2010, 09:15 AM)addy Wrote:  Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

I miss it. Hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.

Wow, what a difference!

The italics are a great touch, and you've really drawn out the "be careful what you wish for"-ness

My one suggestion at this time is, instead of "I miss it", would you consider "How I miss hands and knees rough..."?

Brilliantly edited, addy.

Thanks! Just edited now to change the line

(01-21-2010, 09:15 AM)addy Wrote:  VERSION 3: ( edited S2 L1 ten minutes later thank you Leanne!)

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

How I miss hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.

wow. now for me this has that wow feeling.
i would pay to read poetry like this.
i can't/am not able to fault it. everything about it works.
after reading this we need to see more poetry off you, you're certainly capable enough to write and post it.

one of the best expanded edits i've seen on a poem.
it's like we're related (almost)

great work addy

(01-25-2012, 09:01 PM)billy Wrote:  it's like we're related (almost)

I'm touched . Thanks billy

hope we get to see more poetry from you addy.
it's like you just joined.

addy! it's great to see something from you, as well as your editing process!

here were some quick thoughts as I read:

(01-21-2010, 09:15 AM)addy Wrote:  Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin....really great repetition and phrase to repeat
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir....think the tone and word choice are perfect/ whimsical

How I miss hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive. ...great word choice/ oxymoronic "calluses alive"
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe....great blend of abstract thought and concrete image

i have an attraction to fairy tales, and can offer little in terms of critique, though that is unfair to you for all the suggestions you've offered me. really enjoyed this piece

(01-21-2010, 09:15 AM)addy Wrote:  VERSION 3: ( edited S2 L1 ten minutes later thank you Leanne!)

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.Perhaps put comma after "darkness" and lose the comma after "spin"
In the day we sit happy. He and I, I may be orf a little but I think I am reading " I spin in the day; we sit happy, he and I, opposite cups of tepid tea, under the ever after weather, clinking only as we stir." Am I right or wrong. Your poem
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

How I miss hands and knees roughNot clear but not unarguably wrong. Its just that praying is not known to roughen hands and knees but scrubbing floors (whilst praying ) would. Small point but may be of use.
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.nice memorable lines. I may nick them later for my book "A Tale of Two Plagiarists".

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;No No No. Street talk is OK in its place but thats not how this poem rocks, motherfucker!
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.

Sorry about the outburst on the last stanza but "well hides" really grates, innit?
Small and picky from me but I am coming in late. Very much liked the hopesdreamswishes ellision. Quite unique and apposite. Overall this worked for me. thank you for it.
Best,
tectak

VERSIONS 2: (a very severe rewrite )

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

I miss it. Hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.



VERSION 1:

This needs a lot of work... please suggest something

Queen


Sticky lips
smearing dye
stick needles
through a spindled eye
Sits splendid as
He sips his tea
All too important
Not to speak

And wonders
how she misses
when callouses
cared enough to hurt;
Smiles near perfect
as she hides the sound of mice
under the heel of her
one glass shoe

I have no critique, only a comment. I really liked watching this come together Addy! I so enjoy your work and I learn from it as well. Thank you for the lesson and the read!

Addy, I have not been a regular correspondent on this, and the suggestions I might make, would only be the kind of thing that I would do, such as repetitions, and that would therefore be my poem, not yours.

Unlike you, and others, I thought the first version rather good. This may be better, but really they are quite different creatures.