06-15-2012, 07:43 PM
It seems a bit too Voice of the Prophet to me in a few places but I quite like it all the same.
These lines could be reformulated, perhaps
Still, only human feet have here trod
I hear you weakness try and justify
As they are I find them archaic, forced
in wanton acts of cultural and actual genocide
we think our holiness the same as God
Tells too much, I think. Maybe
in wanton acts of genocide,
God-like in our righteous wrath
the hand of self-centredness - a little wordy?
the self-centred hand?
your only purpose
used dirt to form another layer of sand
I see what you're saying here and I like the idea. I think it could be better put - something like "your only purpose to be dirt and form another...."
I'm not quite sure what your point is in the first 8 lines of that last verse. That we should all "man up"? I did like the last 5 lines, reminded me of the Larkin poem.
These lines could be reformulated, perhaps
Still, only human feet have here trod
I hear you weakness try and justify
As they are I find them archaic, forced
in wanton acts of cultural and actual genocide
we think our holiness the same as God
Tells too much, I think. Maybe
in wanton acts of genocide,
God-like in our righteous wrath
the hand of self-centredness - a little wordy?
the self-centred hand?
your only purpose
used dirt to form another layer of sand
I see what you're saying here and I like the idea. I think it could be better put - something like "your only purpose to be dirt and form another...."
I'm not quite sure what your point is in the first 8 lines of that last verse. That we should all "man up"? I did like the last 5 lines, reminded me of the Larkin poem.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.