Inland Sea

[Aish]

Soft orchid mouths
drip moonlight gossamer,
sad nets of coercive balladry

and I cannot sleep.

Gritty teeth
abstain
from knitting and pearling
the brokenness together,
while brillo tongues
risk setting fire
to the unpatterned quilt
of arterial wild -

and twisting in the wind
I cannot sleep.

In shameless ink
your eyes
are the mourning sun,
untouchable
within stingy whispers
and jealous borders,

and in the weight of your shadow
I cannot sleep.

Wide awake
I am nimbly afflicted,
a childs hunger pain
in august epitaph,

envious

of idle beauty
of turquoise and roses
of lies
become honeyed addictions.

And without your double sky
I cannot sleep.

[tectak]

Soft orchid mouths
drip moonlight gossamer,
sad nets of coercive balladryOK, Cards on the table. This is "wordy". It is also quite beautiful. In fact, so overcome was I that I did not struggle with the meaning of "sad nets of coercive balladry". I'm going to say this. This is one of the rare occasions when I have five words in a line which individually have meanings clear, but together meanings moribund fantastic cenotaphs make. Huh?

and I cannot sleep.I am not surprised

Gritty teeth
abstain
from knitting and pearling
the brokenness together,
while brillo tongues
risk setting fire
to the unpatterned quilt
of arterial wild -Now stop already. Again...I love how this SOUNDS but cannot, just cannot, get orgasmic over the MEANING. What am I to make of this stanza Gritted yes, gritting no; knitting teeth; incendiary brillo pads; a quilt made of arterial wild hyphens? Help. I WANT to make sense of this but only if you tell me it MAKES sense. It does not HAVE to make sense to be enjoyed but I want to be sure of my pleasures.

and twisting in the wind
I cannot sleep.I am not surprised. You started this repetition thing

In shameless ink
your eyes
are the mourning sun,
untouchable
within stingy whispers
and jealous borders, I guess I am a philistine, sorry phil. This is way too deep for me. Please tell me you are taking the piss....or help me

and in the weight of your shadow
I cannot sleep.

Wide awake
I am nimbly afflicted,
a childs hunger pain
in august epitaph,Sorry Aish. You have lost me entirely. It is my own fault. "Nimbly afflicted" just makes me feel autistically challenged. The concept of nimble (1. Quick, light, or agile in movement or action; deft: nimble fingers. 2. Quick, clever, and acute in devising or understanding: nimble wits.) as an adjunct to "afflicted" (afflicted - grievously affected especially by disease) just defeats me. See end.


envious

of idle beauty
of turquoise and roses
of lies
become honeyed addictions.

And without your double sky
I cannot sleep.

Hey! You've nicked the quilt!!!!
Rushed. Will get back on this.
Best,
tectak
I cannot take back what I have said in the body of this piece. There is a genre (there ALWAYS is) which relies entirely upon mental imagery derived from the juxtaposition of one word with another that I am aware of. To be absolutely fair, I cannot despise this piece because I believe it does induce imagery by the method above. I do not like it for the same reason. Sometimes, whilst dreaming, I believe I can play the piano. When I am awake I know that I cannot. When I read this piece, I believe that I understand it......but then I wake up.
Best,
tectak

[Aish]

It's a damned buggery, isn't it?

[Aish]

Hi, Tek.
I just realized you came back to this, so off with the wilting and quilting, on with the crit! As a preliminary aside, cenotaph is a word I really like, and I once used cenothaphic in a piece of writing although I am not entirely sure it's a real form of the word.
You made me laugh twice. I am not sure what you mean by "taking the piss" because where I'm from if someone takes a piss it means they urinate. "Autistically challenged" made me laugh as well, which is probably politically incorrect, but i'm not usually pc, so I laughed again.
In an attempt not to give away too much too soon I'm going to refrain from explaining anything just yet, although I will say (er, type) that your reaction is probably one of the many reasons why I should plan my poetry out instead of frantically dropping it exactly the way it looks and sounds in my head. I honestly do not intend to be abstruse.

[penguin]

I think the first 4 lines are pretty good. Coercive balladry is clear to me. I like the repetitions of "I cannot sleep". Unfortunately, I make little sense of the rest and the images,the language, aren't striking enough to compensate that.
This bit I struggle particularly with

Wide awake
I am nimbly afflicted,
a childs hunger pain
in august epitaph,

I keep thinking you must mean "numbly afflicted" though that makes only slightly more sense.

[addy]

As always I love how you are unafraid to experiment with your sounds and imagery, willing to go where your instincts tell you to go. The net results are always dreamy and beautiful. Unlike the others, i can't say the word "coercive" does anything for me (though "sad nets of coercive balladry" is an awesome line, coercive is just tonally jarring to me), but that's just my taste. The flow was nice everywhere else for me

[billy]

Soft orchid mouths
drip moonlight gossamer,
sad nets of coercive balladry i'm taking this as a literal image of spider silk and orchids, the coercive being the webs power to make the prey stay/stick, sad because they lead to death (all presumption on my part of course) i really like the power and softness of the image

and I cannot sleep.

Gritty teeth
abstain
from knitting and pearling
the brokenness together,
while brillo tongues
risk setting fire
to the unpatterned quilt
of arterial wild - i like the extended metaphor you have in this stanza. not too keen on arterial wild, (hot blood/quick heartbeat)

and twisting in the wind
I cannot sleep. i like the way this has grown

In shameless ink
your eyes
are the mourning sun,
untouchable
within stingy whispers
and jealous borders, this stanza reads really well but i'm struggling to comprehend maybe it's the stingy whispers line that screwing with me

and in the weight of your shadow love this line
I cannot sleep. it gets better

Wide awake
I am nimbly afflicted, would nimble afflicted or nimbly affected work better?
a childs hunger pain child's
in august epitaph, feels forced would an work better than in?

envious

of idle beauty
of turquoise and roses
of lies
become honeyed addictions. become doesn't work that well

And without your double sky
I cannot sleep. great ending

it is a thing of beauty in need of a small edit. i really enjoyed the read, whether or not i got it doesn't really matter, i shall read it more and grow into it. it's that kind of poem

thanks for the read.

[whitewand6]

Soft orchid mouths
drip moonlight gossamer,
sad nets of coercive balladry

[Visually stunning and utterly stimulating imagery in the very first stanza.
For a moment there I had flashes of a gargantuan Rafflesia while reading
'orchid mouths'. I have always loved the concept of liquid moon beams.
'Coercive balladry' is beautiful used in the present context. 'Sad nets' almost gives this last line a plaintive sound of protest.]

and I cannot sleep.

[This is a winner after a superlative build-up]

Gritty teeth
abstain
from knitting and pearling
the brokenness together,
while brillo tongues
risk setting fire
to the unpatterned quilt
of arterial wild -

[Another sensory ride. The first two words start this mild onslaught of befitting images. Pearl gives almost a visceral kind of beauty. I had to start with 'arterial wild' and follow it all the way back to 'brillo tongues'.
Not sure if I am on the same page, but in stead of giving birth to a stillborn obeservation I would rather wait and let it grow.]


and twisting in the wind
I cannot sleep.

[The impact of the repeatation is heightened by the tangible image of 'twisting in the wind'. This gives it a mild lift, making the canvass much larger and the reader starts to see it larger. ]

In shameless ink
your eyes
are the mourning sun,
untouchable
within stingy whispers
and jealous borders,


['Mourning' and 'sun' work beautifully together. I have somehow always had this image where 'spiders' fit with 'mourning'. Probably it has something to do with Black Widows. So personally 'mourning' did wonders for me. Very unique choice od adjectives again. Especially 'shameless' for ink. ]

and in the weight of your shadow
I cannot sleep.

[The zenith. I love the way you give a sense of power to inanimate and make them appear viscious and thrashing/throbbing with life. 'weight' never seemed so heavy. And of course you can't sleep.]

Wide awake
I am nimbly afflicted,
a childs hunger pain
in august epitaph,

[Was the missing apostrophe intentional? 'Nimble' is an interesting choice for something as grave as 'afflicted'. It's like a free-fall from 3000 feet on a twenty feet wall of foam. That contrast sets the tone here. ]


envious

of idle beauty
of turquoise and roses
of lies
become honeyed addictions.

[ I really liked 'Honeyed addiction'. It has a certain force to it, almost righteous justification. The three nouns are spectacular in their selection and usage here.]


And without your double sky
I cannot sleep.

[ This expands the feeling of transcendence that one gets while 'twisting in the air' reference. The idea of double sky is grand and I was reminded of Plank's Constant. May Selene come to your rescue, poetess.

This is a sweeping poem about transcendent love. I have nothing but awe and reverence. This is a mometous creation, despite the plane of its existence being different than almsot everyones.[That is not a hiccup, rather a regret.] I reckon you like 'webs'/'spider webs'. It shows strongly in this poem [Either the exceptional strength of those invisible threads or the concept of entrapment or the lack of it.] I will probably come back a few more times and let it grow. On me. Within me. Write on.