Memory

[Philatone]

V. 3 many changes

Needing more space, I pressed three buttons
to dig deep inside a capped lens
and empty out a memory card.

In the seconds spent watching a blue screen,
a flash of a frozen hourglass, who would think
those would be our last moments together--

the dining room, which we erased
into a blank to start again, and us
who stripped the paneling with hammers.

Now, the slides are off the camera,
and the memory of a table and chandelier is taken
by the extra counter and the floating island,

stationed where some photographs used to hang
and a marsh of dishes could not be seen
in the evening, or sometimes in the morning.

Walking downstairs, it can be strange
how the first wall we ever took down
reminds us to wash the plates

without a frame to remind us of the wood
we trashed, wiped, cleared
deleted, removed, forgot.



V.2 changes made on Dale's suggestions



It is easy to remove photographs
from a memory card;

three buttons to press in order
to unlock a blue screen,
a flash of an hourglass. By then,

the album empties itself. We only erase
the dining room, before paneling
was stripped by a hammer

held by a slender pair of hands.
Gone are the slides of the transition
from table and chandelier

to counter and floating island,
or even the glisten of those eyes
once dust thinned and the mask fell

in a picture. The first wall we ever took down
has no frame to remind us
of the color of the wood

we trashed, wiped, cleared,
deleted, erased, forgot.








v. 1

It is easy to remove photographs
from a card assigned to a camera;

three buttons to press in order
to unlock a blue screen,
a flash of an hourglass. By then,

the album empties itself. We only lose
the dining room, before paneling was stripped
by hammer and chisel in a pair

of slender hands. Gone is the record
of the conversion from table and chandelier
to kitchen counter, or even

the glisten of those eyes
once dust thinned,
and the mask fell for a picture.

The first wall we ever took down,
yet not even the color of the wood
comes to mind anymore;

trashed, deleted, wiped,
cleared, erased, forgotten.

[Erthona]

Geoff,

It's a really nice idea, I like it a lot, but the execution seems to suffer some. I get the impression that for some reason you are trying to avoid using the obvious choice even when it would work better. To me, there is a sort of awkwardness throughout based on such choices, and granted this is a stylistic choice, but in this case I think it has effects that weaken the poem. I'll highlight some:

S1

"It is easy to remove photographs
from a card assigned to a camera;"

why not

It is easy to erase photographs
form the camera's memory card

Same sort of thing in the next stanza.

S3
"before paneling was stripped by hammer and chisel in a pair of slender hands." (also unnecessary ambiguity as to what the hands are holding)

"before the paneling was stripped by a hammer and chisel held in a slender pair of hands."

(As you are under no form that restricts you in anyway,I see no point in removing parts of speech that are needed for clarity. It might be different if you were using a form that limited you in line length, but that is not the case here.)

I won't do this line by line, but there seems similar types of awkwardness throughout, such as this imbalance in equivalence

between "table and chandelier" and "kitchen counter"

much better "dining table" and "kitchen counter"

Maybe instead of " conversion" which is easy to read as conversation (at least it was for me as I actually did), use something like "transformation"

I think it would be nice if you played more on the ambiguity of the memory in the camera, and human memory, using comparable wording for the descriptors, and treat this as an extended metaphor

such as instead of "We only lose" We've erased only the..."

or

"Gone is the record of the conversion" to "Gone from memory is the dining room, before..."

Phrasing it as "Gone from memory..." it can refer to either human memory/memories, of digital storage.

Using an extended metaphor in this way would create a stronger connection between the "memories", as well as create a smoother transition.

I'm not sure I buy the equivalence between erased and forgotten, as you seem to be stating it, at least to me. Some uncertainty through a slight ambivalence might benefit. Maybe the last stanza instead of synonyms for erased, something like

erased and...forgotten

Anyway, those are my thoughts, make of them what you will

Dale

[Philatone]

dale
thanks; you hit on a number of points that were later additions that perhaps were not as strong as what I had originally. I'm putting up a revision based on your suggestions. I'm trying to save the last stanza before doing something dramatic; see if this change fits your preference any better. i am open to changing it, but want to try to make it work first

[Erthona]

Yeah I like that better.

Shouldn't "By then, the album empties itself. "

be

"By then, the album has emptied itself."?

Dale

[addy]

V.2 changes made on Dale's suggestions



It is easy to remove photographs
from a memory card;

three buttons to press in order
to unlock a blue screen,
a flash of an hourglass. By then,

the album empties itself. We only erase
the dining room, before paneling
was stripped by a hammer

held by a slender pair of hands.
Gone are the slides of the transition
from table and chandelier

to counter and floating island,
or even the glisten of those eyes
once dust thinned and the mask fell

in a picture. The first wall we ever took down
has no frame to remind us
of the color of the wood

we trashed, wiped, cleared,
deleted, erased, forgot.

Great edit . Just that small change at the end gave it that extra "oomph". I also like how you used "transition" in place of conversion... more seamless, and the floating island bit gives it a layer of dreaminess. Not sure what "mask fell in a pictue" was referring to, though.

I know "by then, the album empties itself" may not technically be correct as was pointed out, but I do like how "empties itself" sounds, imo.

[billy]

sorry for not replying to the original geoff, i'll leave my feedback for the edit.

V.2 changes made on Dale's suggestions



It is easy to remove photographs
from a memory card; good clean start

three buttons to press in order
to unlock a blue screen,
a flash of an hourglass. By then, by then doesn't work

the album empties itself. We only erase
the dining room, before paneling (panelling)
was stripped by a hammer the 2nd 2 lines feels like it needs some clarity

held by a slender pair of hands.
Gone are the slides of the transition is the 'are' needed?
from table and chandelier

to counter and floating island,
or even the glisten of those eyes
once dust thinned and the mask fell

in a picture. The first wall we ever took down
has no frame to remind us
of the color of the wood

we trashed, wiped, cleared,
deleted, erased, forgot.

great concept. i was in a muddle after the first stanza and then i realised what it was all about. because of that i think you need to do a better transition from memory card to real life occurrence (memories) the title helped me get to grips but i think i had to work more than i should have.

got lots of promise has this

thanks for the read.

[tectak]

V.2 changes made on Dale's suggestions



It is easy to remove photographs
from a memory card;

three buttons to press in order
to unlock a blue screen,
a flash of an hourglass. By then,

the album empties itself. We only erase
the dining room, before paneling
was stripped by a hammer

held by a slender pair of hands.
Gone are the slides of the transition
from table and chandelier

to counter and floating island,
or even the glisten of those eyes
once dust thinned and the mask fell

in a picture. The first wall we ever took down
has no frame to remind us
of the color of the wood

we trashed, wiped, cleared,
deleted, erased, forgot.








v. 1

It is easy to remove photographs
from a card assigned to a camera;

three buttons to press in order
to unlock a blue screen,
a flash of an hourglass. By then,

the album empties itself. We only lose
the dining room, before paneling was stripped
by hammer and chisel in a pair

of slender hands. Gone is the record
of the conversion from table and chandelier
to kitchen counter, or even

the glisten of those eyes
once dust thinned,
and the mask fell for a picture.

The first wall we ever took down,
yet not even the color of the wood
comes to mind anymore;

trashed, deleted, wiped,
cleared, erased, forgotten.

Hi phil.
Dale, without doubt, gave a good crit on this. For my part I have but one observation (well, two, but I have given up on your idiosyncrasies) and it is this. Somewhere in the evolution of this piece a great metaphor was made manifest. It has something to do with temporal existence and the perpetuation of memory. It hints at the transience of human endeavour and the febrile architecture of our brief lives. It stirs an atavistic emotion which uncomfortably hints at our basic survival instincts in a modern world.........bugger me, though, I just can't find it!
Expand, please.
Best,
Tectak

[Philatone]

in an attempt to draw out these metaphors a bit more (tec), i've decided to uproot some things and make a relatively dramatic edit. this is far from perfect, but I think it gets at the poem's heart in a deeper, more meaningful way