Generations

[billy]

another one i missed, catch ups a bitch

Version 2
We are split you see, more than generationally,
but man from man, not just son from father,
or mother from daughter; although we are peas
shelled from the same great pod,
and yet we find difference,
and blinded by arrogance judge it as a sure defense
in wanton acts of cultural and actual genocide
we think our holiness the same as God.
Still, only human feet have here trod,
grinding our kind to bone and blood,
the Profane in us as rampant as before the flood.

i read the original a few times to get a feel of the changes. this 1st verse is way better it has a lot more boot in it. if i had a small nit it would be the 2nd 'and' in a row before blinded, the comma i feel does a well enough job so that it can be eliminated.

Though subtle, the hand of self-centeredness is truly binding,
laying our soul’s winding on it’s loom
of greed and lust and thus we know nothing but a doom
that denies any pretense to unsullied innocence.
a bit wordy but fits well with the above and so works well as a filler verse

Soon my friends our life’s payment will come due, 'our' feels redundant
in your eyes I see you know this too,
as bankrupt we stand on ever shifting quicksand, quicksand feels too similar to stand even though there are some internals at work.
our heads in hands -salt burnt tear blinded eyes-
yet it is only at our self pity do we cry,
as we’ve not the means, or knowledge to get by,
now that we find ourselves here,
at the end of our life's year. feels a bit too contrived.

I hear you weakness try and justify, something feels syntactically wrong, maybe a comma after weakness would help
"What else can we do when Armageddon comes but fly?
Does it matter how long or short the hour,
when we eventually succumb to a coward's
faint heart, whether slowly or quickly we die?”
So, will you not then stand with tightened jaw,
fist balled, and chest outthrust against the ravenous tide,
miming the false bravery displayed in life, as you die?
And does it matter as it so easily rolls you under
and forgotten, your only purpose
used dirt to form another layer of sand,
where the next great group of fools
can blindly take their stand?

i think the last verse is too over bearing. maybe more Shakespeare than Shakespeare

©2012 -Erthona

i thought the improvements were great. the style isn't one of my favourites but that has nothing to do really with the crafting of the thing which i think is well done. the opening verse really sets the piece up and i think that was the main stumbling block in the original. it started out very weak.

i think it can still go another edit but that said i see it as a good piece of poetry already.

thanks for the read.