06-07-2012, 11:28 AM
hey dale
i wasn't arguing that the stanza had nothing to contribute, but only that it's expressions feel overdone. I've heard it before, and I think you have as well. for an opening, I would prefer something with a stronger, more innovative impact.
with regards to the quote
perhaps inverting the first line (adjusting words as needed) so that the quote is not separated by a break and is instead together in its entirety? The dash also killed some of the momentum for me, and leads to a single word that pretty much feels forced when rhymed with the line above it. Weaving the end word into the phrase, or perhaps extending the quote another line, could keep the momentum churning. just some ideas
i wasn't arguing that the stanza had nothing to contribute, but only that it's expressions feel overdone. I've heard it before, and I think you have as well. for an opening, I would prefer something with a stronger, more innovative impact.
with regards to the quote
perhaps inverting the first line (adjusting words as needed) so that the quote is not separated by a break and is instead together in its entirety? The dash also killed some of the momentum for me, and leads to a single word that pretty much feels forced when rhymed with the line above it. Weaving the end word into the phrase, or perhaps extending the quote another line, could keep the momentum churning. just some ideas
Written only for you to consider.