Generations

[addy]

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Addy

" For me this part was a combination of strong and weak elements. "Self-centeredness is truly binding" sounds flat, and from the line "We know nothing but a doom..." it just sounds like you're running out of steam."

I think it is more a problem of the word choice slowing down the pace, as when it hits "greedy & desirous". That just seems to hit the mouth like peanut butter.

So do you think it is a matter of pacing, or I am just being repetitive?

I don’t think it’s just the stretched pace of the words. The slowing at “greedy & desirous” gave it a nice cadence that I actually liked. It’s simply that the last line of the stanza is expressing a thought without much effort to craft it it into the narrative or tie it down with anything.

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"Bankrupt we stand on ever shifting quicksand,
our heads in hands -salt burnt tear blinded eyes-
we’ve not the means, and lack the knowledge to get by,
and so we quietly wallow here, in depression and despair, This part's over the top
at the end of our life's year."

Are you referring to just that line?

What do you think of this?

"we’ve not the means, and lack
the knowledge to get by,
here at the end of our life's year.""

Yep, just that line. I find it better without