06-05-2012, 06:06 PM
Addy and Geoff,
Thanks for your comments. Most of what you didn't like were things that were not there in the original, and were added as a way of explanation when this was looked over before. " ravaging ravenous" is very ugly.
No, it should not end with a question mark, I have no idea how that got there.
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"ok, but nothing really fresh to grab onto here"
Geoff, I'm not sure what your comment means.
The first stanza is basically defining a starting point for the discussion that follows, the last line of which is simply a qualifier. Do you think it adds nothing to the rest, or do you mean the stanza is nothing new?
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...for me, the speech came off a little forced, especially with the dash and "fly" part
suggestions?
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Addy
" For me this part was a combination of strong and weak elements. "Self-centeredness is truly binding" sounds flat, and from the line "We know nothing but a doom..." it just sounds like you're running out of steam."
I think it is more a problem of the word choice slowing down the pace, as when it hits "greedy & desirous". That just seems to hit the mouth like peanut butter.
So do you think it is a matter of pacing, or I am just being repetitive?
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"Bankrupt we stand on ever shifting quicksand,
our heads in hands -salt burnt tear blinded eyes-
we’ve not the means, and lack the knowledge to get by,
and so we quietly wallow here, in depression and despair, This part's over the top
at the end of our life's year."
Are you referring to just that line?
What do you think of this?
"we’ve not the means, and lack
the knowledge to get by,
here at the end of our life's year.""
Thanks for the comments guys.As I said this one is a bit of a struggle, so any further comments regarding specifics would be welcome.
Dale
Thanks for your comments. Most of what you didn't like were things that were not there in the original, and were added as a way of explanation when this was looked over before. " ravaging ravenous" is very ugly.
No, it should not end with a question mark, I have no idea how that got there.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"ok, but nothing really fresh to grab onto here"
Geoff, I'm not sure what your comment means.
The first stanza is basically defining a starting point for the discussion that follows, the last line of which is simply a qualifier. Do you think it adds nothing to the rest, or do you mean the stanza is nothing new?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...for me, the speech came off a little forced, especially with the dash and "fly" part
suggestions?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Addy
" For me this part was a combination of strong and weak elements. "Self-centeredness is truly binding" sounds flat, and from the line "We know nothing but a doom..." it just sounds like you're running out of steam."
I think it is more a problem of the word choice slowing down the pace, as when it hits "greedy & desirous". That just seems to hit the mouth like peanut butter.
So do you think it is a matter of pacing, or I am just being repetitive?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Bankrupt we stand on ever shifting quicksand,
our heads in hands -salt burnt tear blinded eyes-
we’ve not the means, and lack the knowledge to get by,
and so we quietly wallow here, in depression and despair, This part's over the top
at the end of our life's year."
Are you referring to just that line?
What do you think of this?
"we’ve not the means, and lack
the knowledge to get by,
here at the end of our life's year.""
Thanks for the comments guys.As I said this one is a bit of a struggle, so any further comments regarding specifics would be welcome.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.