Generations

[Philatone]

hello, dale.
before beginning, I want to say I like the rhythm and rhymes you've included in the piece. having said that

We are split you see,
son from father,
daughter from mother,
peas, de-shelled from the pod,
so spiritually blind we think holiness — God....ok, but nothing really fresh to grab onto here

Yet, only our feet have trod upon our fellows, grinding
them to bone and blood, the profane as rampant
as before the flood: self-centeredness is truly binding,
taking our soul’s winding, laying it out upon the loom
of greedy & desirous hearts. We know nothing but a doom
that despoils any pretense of unsullied innocence....abstractions everywhere. I had little to hold. The references to the Bible I liked, but I struggle with the rest. "Soul", "innocence", and "doom" did little to help me.

Soon my friends the bill will come due,...the "due" felt a bit extra. It's meaning is the same as "the bill will come"
I see the knowledge in your eyes,
and know, you also know this too. ...bit of a clunky two lines; the commas try to clear it up, but aren't really necessary in terms of grammar.
Bankrupt we stand on ever shifting quicksand,
our heads in hands -salt burnt tear blinded eyes-
we’ve not the means, and lack the knowledge to get by,
and so we quietly wallow here, in depression and despair,
at the end of our life's year. ..pretty dramatic

"What else can we do", I hear you cry,
"when our Armageddon comes — fly?" ...for me, the speech came off a little forced, especially with the dash and "fly" part
Does it really matter how long or short the hour,
we eventually succumb to a coward's
faint heart, whether slowly or quickly we die?
Will you try to stand tall and firm
against the ravaging ravenous tide?...."ravaging ravenous" was bit too much for me
It matters not, for it easily rolls you under,
forming another layer of sand,
where the next great group of fools
can blindly take their stand?...like the cyclical nature/ return to the earlier stanzas with this close

©2012 -Erthona

it was a bit abstract and exaggerated for me, which biases a lot of my comments; if they go against your own perceptions and intentions, I understand. just wanted to let you know