Queen

[Indie]

VERSION 3: ( edited S2 L1 ten minutes later thank you Leanne!)

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

How I miss hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.

VERSION 1:

This needs a lot of work... please suggest something

Queen


Sticky lips
smearing dye
stick needles
through a spindled eye
Sits splendid as
He sips his tea
All too important
Not to speak

And wonders
how she misses
when callouses
cared enough to hurt;
Smiles near perfect
as she hides the sound of mice
under the heel of her
one glass shoe

I really don't have anything to offer, other than I love what you've done with it from first version to third version. The structure is much better in version three, easier to read. The tightening to phrases is wonderful, V3 has much more depth and the language is much more evocative.

Indie