Queen

[tectak]

VERSION 3: ( edited S2 L1 ten minutes later thank you Leanne!)

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.Perhaps put comma after "darkness" and lose the comma after "spin"
In the day we sit happy. He and I, I may be orf a little but I think I am reading " I spin in the day; we sit happy, he and I, opposite cups of tepid tea, under the ever after weather, clinking only as we stir." Am I right or wrong. Your poem
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

How I miss hands and knees roughNot clear but not unarguably wrong. Its just that praying is not known to roughen hands and knees but scrubbing floors (whilst praying ) would. Small point but may be of use.
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.nice memorable lines. I may nick them later for my book "A Tale of Two Plagiarists".

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;No No No. Street talk is OK in its place but thats not how this poem rocks, motherfucker!
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.

Sorry about the outburst on the last stanza but "well hides" really grates, innit?
Small and picky from me but I am coming in late. Very much liked the hopesdreamswishes ellision. Quite unique and apposite. Overall this worked for me. thank you for it.
Best,
tectak

VERSIONS 2: (a very severe rewrite )

Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.

I miss it. Hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.

Our chats are mild - hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.



VERSION 1:

This needs a lot of work... please suggest something

Queen


Sticky lips
smearing dye
stick needles
through a spindled eye
Sits splendid as
He sips his tea
All too important
Not to speak

And wonders
how she misses
when callouses
cared enough to hurt;
Smiles near perfect
as she hides the sound of mice
under the heel of her
one glass shoe