Hi Indie,
As this is mild I won't go into a line-by-line critique. Here are some thoughts I had about your piece:
I really like how you close this in the last two strophes. I would however like to see you tighten it up a bit. You fall into a good narrative tone but while you have some lines in here that would be fine in a story they somewhat dilute the power of a poem (imo).
I'd consider using your line breaks a little differently (it may not work but it may be worth trying). I think you could use them to show a distinction between Ben and the narrator's observations. In L2 for instance you have a clipped sort of fast line. When you get to the red convertables for instance the line is slower. While admittingly this is all being processed through the narrrator you want to hear Ben's obsessive tone come through which to me would lend itself to the shorter lines if that makes sense (sort of the narrator remembering his cadence).
There are also some lines that strike me as a little too stating the facts rather than letting them come across in the action itself "Consumed by an obsession" for instance. I think your cuts could come from those areas.
Mostly, though I think you have a good hook with the puzzle and the idea of this person being the same on the inside even after the years. Maybe think of a metaphor to help express ben's unchanging nature rather than just telling us, or talk about the narrrator's life changes briefly as a contrast. I feel I'm rambling a bit...so let me just leave you with this:
It's poignant. It's a little too enslaved to its own narrative. If it were tighter it would hit the reader harder. All in all though I do like it.
I hope some of that ramble will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
As this is mild I won't go into a line-by-line critique. Here are some thoughts I had about your piece:
I really like how you close this in the last two strophes. I would however like to see you tighten it up a bit. You fall into a good narrative tone but while you have some lines in here that would be fine in a story they somewhat dilute the power of a poem (imo).
I'd consider using your line breaks a little differently (it may not work but it may be worth trying). I think you could use them to show a distinction between Ben and the narrator's observations. In L2 for instance you have a clipped sort of fast line. When you get to the red convertables for instance the line is slower. While admittingly this is all being processed through the narrrator you want to hear Ben's obsessive tone come through which to me would lend itself to the shorter lines if that makes sense (sort of the narrator remembering his cadence).
There are also some lines that strike me as a little too stating the facts rather than letting them come across in the action itself "Consumed by an obsession" for instance. I think your cuts could come from those areas.
Mostly, though I think you have a good hook with the puzzle and the idea of this person being the same on the inside even after the years. Maybe think of a metaphor to help express ben's unchanging nature rather than just telling us, or talk about the narrrator's life changes briefly as a contrast. I feel I'm rambling a bit...so let me just leave you with this:
It's poignant. It's a little too enslaved to its own narrative. If it were tighter it would hit the reader harder. All in all though I do like it.
I hope some of that ramble will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson