Memories of Ben

[Indie]

Hello indie. I'm glad you posted this but would ask that you excuse my initial comments if they are blatantly wrong.
This is the kind of poetry, I am talking subject matter here, that you-a proud mum-would send to grandma in England after you emigrated to New Zealand. Nothing wrong with that UNLESS that is ALL you write.
Criticism is difficult in work like this because poetic endeavour is totally swamped by the single emotional and overbearing pride expresses by the writer. The personification of the subject by giving a name ,Ben,makes the piece almost unreadable because it feels that I would be invading private thoughts........so......point 1 (at last ), it needs depersonalising for general consumption.
Point 2. You will find I have now mounted my hobby horse. Look, and I will get a slamming for this, anyone can see that this whole piece could be rewritten into a letter-back-home without bothering to make it "look" like poetry. There is no rhythm, meter or rhyme scheme. Just breaking up text into random lines and capitalising the first letter does nothing to create poetry.
Point 3. Because yiu have a dedicated subject, one that you are expert in, could I gently suggest a rewrite with a conversion to rhyming verse. It would be a great disciplinary exercise.
Best,
Tectak

Thanks for your thoughts Tectak. I don't know where the mum to be comment came from, there is nothing maternal in this poem, at least not from my standpoint, it's an observational piece on someone I happened to live with at one point in my life.

This piece is contemporary, non-rhyming scheme, and does have it's own flow, while I agree with everyone so far, it needs editing, I have no desire to create a rhyming scheme with this particular poem.

I write both contemporary and rhyming poetry, and this one lent itself to the former.

It would have been almost impossible for me to write this poem without naming my subject, and also giving the reader a person whose life they could peek into, making it more personal, but also more uncomfortable, yes. Discomfort isn't a bad reaction.