04-30-2012, 12:30 PM
one of the things that made me sit back and think was the 500 piece puzzle turning into a 100 piece, why not keep with the 500, it would have been a decent hook.
oh, hi (seeing new poets makes me day.
back to the poem; seeing as it's a narrative poem, i'd do away with the cap at the start of each line, in list poems and the like they can work fine but the narrative poem needs to flow effortlessly through line breaks except where you want it to pause.
the content feels personal and the intro attests to the fact, in most cases an intro spoils the reading, it's like we already know the outcome.
i think you could tighten it up by taking out some of the packing.
All I can remember is Pikachu
While he’s all over it is 'while' needed?
Glued to the television set
words like 'just' and 'just have to' are seldom needed as the meaning is usually implied.
i think there's a lot of feeling in the poem. and that's passed on to the reader. the poem itself reads well (though i did struggle with L2 in the 6th stanza.) a small edit could go a long way into make it shine.
thanks for the read.
billy
oh, hi (seeing new poets makes me day.
back to the poem; seeing as it's a narrative poem, i'd do away with the cap at the start of each line, in list poems and the like they can work fine but the narrative poem needs to flow effortlessly through line breaks except where you want it to pause.
the content feels personal and the intro attests to the fact, in most cases an intro spoils the reading, it's like we already know the outcome.
i think you could tighten it up by taking out some of the packing.
All I can remember is Pikachu
While he’s all over it is 'while' needed?
Glued to the television set
words like 'just' and 'just have to' are seldom needed as the meaning is usually implied.
i think there's a lot of feeling in the poem. and that's passed on to the reader. the poem itself reads well (though i did struggle with L2 in the 6th stanza.) a small edit could go a long way into make it shine.
thanks for the read.
billy