01-24-2012, 05:55 PM
Sounds like God's been taking marketing lessons from D.Evil Inc. 
I think there's a solid poem here, Jack, but it's being hidden a little by the prosey delivery. I'd like to see this either rendered into rhyme or taken out of the stanza form entirely with some variations in the line lengths. The second stanza is the best, in my opinion, and the third not far behind, but I think the first (aside from the very first line) is too didactic and the last few could be more subtle, less preachy, in keeping with the somewhat lecherous image you've drawn in the second stanza.
The last line -- the idea is good, but there's got to be a more subtle way of saying it.
Sorry I missed this when you first posted it.
I think there's a solid poem here, Jack, but it's being hidden a little by the prosey delivery. I'd like to see this either rendered into rhyme or taken out of the stanza form entirely with some variations in the line lengths. The second stanza is the best, in my opinion, and the third not far behind, but I think the first (aside from the very first line) is too didactic and the last few could be more subtle, less preachy, in keeping with the somewhat lecherous image you've drawn in the second stanza.
The last line -- the idea is good, but there's got to be a more subtle way of saying it.
Sorry I missed this when you first posted it.
It could be worse