Barabbas
#2
(12-19-2011, 04:00 PM)bogpan Wrote:  Where are my hands?
Where are they? --I don't know if the repetition helps or not. What about cutting this line and making L3 a question, 'Are they reaching for dark chests?' Just a thought
They're reaching for dark
chests.
And somebody is giggling.
Barabbas!
And my backbone is
squeezing.
I can't breath. --this should be 'breathe'
Take them.

The Three Wise Men passed
by --I don't know about the enjambment here. Why not put 'by' at the end of L11?
(without stopping)
after a long star. --if I'm reading this right, I think 'after' would be best served by using a synonym of 'following'
On the hill
there was a town.
A very sentimental piece that I enjoyed thoroughly. I am not thrilled with one-word lines, but that is probably just a personal nit. Thanks for sharing.
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Messages In This Thread
Barabbas - by bogpan - 12-19-2011, 04:00 PM
RE: Barabbas - by Wildcard - 12-20-2011, 12:09 AM
RE: Barabbas - by bogpan - 12-21-2011, 04:25 AM
RE: Barabbas - by grannyjill - 12-20-2011, 01:07 AM
RE: Barabbas - by Philatone - 12-20-2011, 02:00 PM
RE: Barabbas - by Erthona - 12-20-2011, 09:45 PM
RE: Barabbas - by billy - 12-23-2011, 01:29 AM
RE: Barabbas - by bogpan - 12-23-2011, 04:53 PM
RE: Barabbas - by Wildcard - 12-24-2011, 02:36 AM
RE: Barabbas - by bogpan - 12-28-2011, 04:20 PM



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