Where are my hands?
Where are they?
They're reaching for dark
chests.
And somebody is giggling.
Barabbas!
And my backbone is
squeezing.
I can't breath.
Take them.
The Three Wise Men passed
by
(without stopping)
after a long star.
On the hill
there was a town.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Merry New Year and Christmas light at all.
Thank you for your congratulations on my birthday and especially Billy.
(12-19-2011, 04:00 PM)bogpan Wrote: [ -> ]Where are my hands?
Where are they? --I don't know if the repetition helps or not. What about cutting this line and making L3 a question, 'Are they reaching for dark chests?' Just a thought
They're reaching for dark
chests.
And somebody is giggling.
Barabbas!
And my backbone is
squeezing.
I can't breath. --this should be 'breathe'
Take them.
The Three Wise Men passed
by --I don't know about the enjambment here. Why not put 'by' at the end of L11?
(without stopping)
after a long star. --if I'm reading this right, I think 'after' would be best served by using a synonym of 'following'
On the hill
there was a town.
A very sentimental piece that I enjoyed thoroughly. I am not thrilled with one-word lines, but that is probably just a personal nit. Thanks for sharing.
I don't know much about Barabbas - he was the thief who was crucified at the same time as Jesus. Yes? (EDIT - Just checked him out, he was the man due to be crucified with Jesus but who the crowd chose to be released)
I don't understand the chronology of this piece. How can he be doing what he's doing at the same time as the Magi follow the star?
hey bogpan! happy belated by the way!
brief line-by
(12-19-2011, 04:00 PM)bogpan Wrote: [ -> ]Where are my hands?
Where are they?...not sure about the repetition. If you're in love with them, switching lines one and two could make it more interesting and useful for them to be in the poem
They're reaching for dark
chests.
And somebody is giggling.
Barabbas!
And my backbone is
squeezing.
I can't breath.
Take them.
The Three Wise Men passed..need the "The" and the capitals?
by
(without stopping)
after a long star. ..interesting way to describe a star
On the hill
there was a town.
the first stanza seems a bit too cryptic for me to grab much meaning from. Even that "them" is rather vague to close--the chests, the hands, or something else entirely?
Additionally, I think another adjective besides "dark" may be helpful; i wasn't sure if where they were was dark or if the chests only were dark, which changes things...
I want to like this, but am feeling like I am missing too much
This could be a very oblique reference to the Barabbas in "The Last Temptation of Christ", but really if it is anyone other than the Biblical Barabbas then it is a bit of a bait and switch because of the three wise men reference. Sorry, but I dislike poems that appear to be intentionally obscure, as a general rule, I don't think I should have to guess at what a writer is trying to say. Sorry, but I am just not feeling very charitable at the moment.
Dale
(12-20-2011, 12:09 AM)Mark Wrote: [ -> ] (12-19-2011, 04:00 PM)bogpan Wrote: [ -> ]Where are my hands?
Where are they? --I don't know if the repetition helps or not. What about cutting this line and making L3 a question, 'Are they reaching for dark chests?' Just a thought
They're reaching for dark
chests.
And somebody is giggling.
Barabbas!
And my backbone is
squeezing.
I can't breath. --this should be 'breathe'
Take them.
The Three Wise Men passed
by --I don't know about the enjambment here. Why not put 'by' at the end of L11?
(without stopping)
after a long star. --if I'm reading this right, I think 'after' would be best served by using a synonym of 'following'
On the hill
there was a town.
A very sentimental piece that I enjoyed thoroughly. I am not thrilled with one-word lines, but that is probably just a personal nit. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Mark, your suggestions are valuable, especially
"if I'm reading this right, I think 'after' would be best served by using a synonym of 'following'" I think due to the difference in syntax. I would think a change in this case. I think the longer poems lose their "saturation" of emotion and come closer to prose, but it is a matter of personal taste.
Happy Christmas!
(12-20-2011, 01:07 AM)grannyjill Wrote: [ -> ]I don't know much about Barabbas - he was the thief who was crucified at the same time as Jesus. Yes? (EDIT - Just checked him out, he was the man due to be crucified with Jesus but who the crowd chose to be released)
I don't understand the chronology of this piece. How can he be doing what he's doing at the same time as the Magi follow the star?
Hello. It's biblical Barabbas to. But I do not think that poetry is history, and is obliged to comply strictly with biblical events.Happy Holidays!
(12-20-2011, 02:00 PM)Philatone Wrote: [ -> ]hey bogpan! happy belated by the way!
brief line-by
(12-19-2011, 04:00 PM)bogpan Wrote: [ -> ]Where are my hands?
Where are they?...not sure about the repetition. If you're in love with them, switching lines one and two could make it more interesting and useful for them to be in the poem
They're reaching for dark
chests.
And somebody is giggling.
Barabbas!
And my backbone is
squeezing.
I can't breath.
Take them.
The Three Wise Men passed..need the "The" and the capitals?
by
(without stopping)
after a long star. ..interesting way to describe a star
On the hill
there was a town.
the first stanza seems a bit too cryptic for me to grab much meaning from. Even that "them" is rather vague to close--the chests, the hands, or something else entirely?
Additionally, I think another adjective besides "dark" may be helpful; i wasn't sure if where they were was dark or if the chests only were dark, which changes things...
I want to like this, but am feeling like I am missing too much
Thanks for your feedback. I think it's a matter of style on one hand and the other a matter of concept in writing. The reader should have a choice.Happy Holidays!
(12-20-2011, 09:45 PM)Erthona Wrote: [ -> ]This could be a very oblique reference to the Barabbas in "The Last Temptation of Christ", but really if it is anyone other than the Biblical Barabbas then it is a bit of a bait and switch because of the three wise men reference. Sorry, but I dislike poems that appear to be intentionally obscure, as a general rule, I don't think I should have to guess at what a writer is trying to say. Sorry, but I am just not feeling very charitable at the moment.
Dale
Sorry about your concern. This is my style, but definitely not intentionally searched complication.Happy Holidays!
(12-19-2011, 04:00 PM)bogpan Wrote: [ -> ]Where are my hands?
Where are they?
They're reaching for dark
chests.
And somebody is giggling.
Barabbas!
And my backbone is
squeezing.
I can't breath.
Take them.
The Three Wise Men passed
by
(without stopping)
after a long star.
On the hill
there was a town.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Merry New Year and Christmas light at all.
Thank you for your congratulations on my birthday and especially Billy.
and to you
the last verse worked well. it feels a bit out of time with first though as barabbas came 30 odd years later. maybe if the stanza were reversed it would make a difference. jmo.
i did get that votes to free barabbas were paid for, and that for pilot and others hands were tied, if that was your insight.
thanks for the read.
(12-23-2011, 01:29 AM)billy Wrote: [ -> ] (12-19-2011, 04:00 PM)bogpan Wrote: [ -> ]Where are my hands?
Where are they?
They're reaching for dark
chests.
And somebody is giggling.
Barabbas!
And my backbone is
squeezing.
I can't breath.
Take them.
The Three Wise Men passed
by
(without stopping)
after a long star.
On the hill
there was a town.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Merry New Year and Christmas light at all.
Thank you for your congratulations on my birthday and especially Billy.
and to you
the last verse worked well. it feels a bit out of time with first though as barabbas came 30 odd years later. maybe if the stanza were reversed it would make a difference. jmo.
i did get that votes to free barabbas were paid for, and that for pilot and others hands were tied, if that was your insight.
thanks for the read.
Matthew 5:14, he tells his listeners, "You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden."The poem is an internal monologue with this biblical phrase, in my fairly long experience. It seems most people accept as biblical parables dead and just want to tell strict chronology of events as written, but do not realize that everything is happening today with them. Must be paid for the release of Barabbas, because the political problem is the Christ and he should get off the stage. Historical method in politics, which is valid today, in which we all participate pursue their goals tangible, easy to manipulate.Thanks Billy for your perusal. I appreciate the British sense of humor.Me
rry Christmas!
Having read all the comments and your replies, I feel that I may have missed some of the finer points of this the first time through. I have bookmarked this page and I will return. I definitely agree that no one is bound to either history or chronology, but I shall go back and read a little King James tonight and then try another read of this.
I must say, your work is very interesting to me, bogpan. As is your username
Thank you Mark for this response. Few readers like this kind of poetry because it requires a voltage reading, especially in the case of a very different poetic tradition (I recommend you read poetry, hermetika). But I'm glad your "but I shall go back and read a little King James".
The origin of my username is different from the English meaning because it stands for Bulgarian language - this is information (bog = god)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pan_ (god)
Happy Holidays!