From Santa

[Philatone]

Wrapping presents
once the house has set
and gone to sleep, it is not so hard
to be a thief;

a stereo to drown
creaks of paper
pressed to squares,
the opening of a downstairs drawer
for tape, the rummage for a bow.

Not even a shadow leaks
from any bedroom door
from the murmurs of the stairs,
swipes of scissors,
marches to a dying tree

where tomorrow it will not matter
how your gift
wandered into the morning,

or that the name
on the bottom
of the tag
is wrong.

[popeye]

Enjoyed the read Philatone, very thought provoking, sometimes it seems that we are just mindlessly following a tradition that has lost it's original values, but watching the youngsters faces light up when they see all the wraped presents under the dying tree seems to make it worth all the hype and who ha that is all part and parcel (if you'll excuse the pun) of Christmas!!

PS sorry for the lack of critique as I don't feel qualified enough to give any, cheers, and all the best for Christmas :-)

[billy]

it's all there, it just feels like it's been said before. it's not cliche, it just feels a bit weak.
i think maybe it's the flow of the thing. i do enjoy the sentiment though.
no constructive feedback as to how i'd try and improve anything, which is really bad i know. (sorry)
thanks for the read as always.

[Erthona]

I like the interline rhymes, they create a nice cadence. There are some lines though that either don't make much sense, or are grammatically or syntactically a bit odd.

"once the house has set
to sleep"

"where tomorrow it will not matter
how your gift
wandered into the morning,"
--------------------------------------------------
"or that the name
on the bottom
of the tag
is wrong. "

1. Why wouldn't it matter.
2. Bottom of tag, or did you mean tag on the bottom of the present. I didn't know tags had bottoms

Dale

[Wildcard]

. . . Bottom of tag, or did you mean tag on the bottom of the present. I didn't know tags had bottoms

Anything with text on it has a bottom and a top. The bottom is where you write 'To: xxxx'

Wrapping presents
once the house has set
to sleep, it is not so hard
to be a thief;

a stereo to drown
creaks of paper
pressed to squares, --nicely put, imo. Very visual and not the same old way of putting it
the opening of a downstairs drawer
for tape, the rummage for a bow.

Not even a shadow leaks --again, I like the way you've made a nice image and stayed away from overused wording
from any bedroom door
from the murmurs of the stairs,
swipes of scissors, --what about 'snips' instead of swipes? I think of credit cards, wash clothes and chalkboard erasers when I read 'swipes'
marches to a dying tree

where tomorrow it will not matter
how your gift
wandered into the morning,

or that the name
on the bottom
of the tag
is wrong.

Great close. Not only is it funny, it encapsulates the frantic energy of the holidays. Thanks for sharing.

[Philatone]

jiminy-thanks for the warm words and I'm glad this was something that resonated with you; should something strike you as odd later on, you have my attention. merry christmas to you as well of course!

billy- I mean, that crit alone is invaluable. part of me says that you can't hit a homerun, score a goal, or even win every game; however, I hope to at least try to give this a little more energy and punch.

erthona- thanks for the input! the rhymes came unintentionally but I let them stay because I think they add to the atmosphere of the holiday, and I'm glad you enjoyed as well! I may haved reached too much on some images, so I may have a look (specifically, the "setting house", I may add something a verb in there to separate the images). I may hold off on the bit of the tag unless it keeps appearing as an issue.
thanks again, great feedback!

and mark! (missed you originally!) thanks for the feedback, much appreciated. will take a look at the swipes/snips; haven't decided just yet

[Leanne]

Though it may be slightly cheesy, it is Christmas after all We parents must harbour some secret desire for deception, what with Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy on our resumes!

I genuinely love:

where tomorrow it will not matter
how your gift
wandered into the morning

It's beautifully innocent. I actually don't have the slightest problem with the poem itself, given the intended audience.

[grannyjill]

I do like this poem very much, the phrasing is elegant and the individual images are lovely....but

the reference to the thief set me off on the wrong tack ..and I then thought a thief was stealing a present, wrapping it and the following day presenting it to someone (the wrong name on the tag referring to the original owner)

............so, I reckon you need to take out the thief reference!

Also - a stereo to drown...again, I am a simple soul and it took me ages to realise you meant 'playing music so that the child couldn't hear what was going on'....I kept thinking - why would anyone want to drown a stereo? Doh! So, could you move the following line up to join that line
ie. a stereo to drown creaks of paper

[Philatone]

leanne- appreciate what you have said; I'm glad that stanza in particular stuck out to you! it was a fun one to write (wish all stanzas, and poems for that matter, were).

granny-I'll take a look at the line with the stereo; but if you reached any conclusion at all I'm happy about that (especially if it matches my intention)
I was a little worried about the thief reference, so it may not be quite clear enough.

[Erthona]

Anything with text on it has a bottom and a top. Big Grin The bottom is where you write 'To: xxxx'

(the bottom where you write XXX is on the cute inebriated girl at the Christmas party!)
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That would be the top and bottom of the text field*, not the tag. The tag's face is where the text is written. Before a tag is affixed to the package the top is the face, and the bottom is the back. Once affixed to said package the back/bottom is the part affixed, the front/top is the part you can see, if you turn the package over and find it (otherwise you will see nothing). If it is affixed to a package with only a string, then the top is where the string attaches to the tag, and the bottom is the side furthest from it.

~from UPS Pamplet "Correct Nomenclature for Tags"
Chapter V. Subsection 3 "Label Tags/Christmas Tags", p.16
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*Just in case you are wondering: The top of text is the topmost part of the font, and the bottom is the reverse. The back is to the left and the front is to the right. Text only exist in 2 dimensions.
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Of course this is all just made up BS, but then even if it were real, it would still just be a bunch of made up BS. In fact, I have a degree in made up BS, which I just made up!

Nary Yew Meer

Prost!