Kamala

[Philatone]

Hello Erthona. It's a pleasure to read the first piece of yours I've seen.
I had trouble locating this "Kamala" figure; I'm getting an Indian influence as well but not much beyond that. Here are my thoughts; take what you will please!

I dream of Kamala kissing me
with “lips like a freshly cut fig”,
while my life and breath are
pleasurably sucked out...not usually a fan of adverbs, but "pleasurably" adds a great touch here
I awake in a panic, reaching out ..the phrasal verbs with "out" were noticeable here for me, between this line and the last
with claw-like fingers as though ..why not say "with claws" and strengthen the image? either way, I like
I could pull the air into my lungs
faster than my panicked muscles ...interesting transition--before, you said it was pleasurable, but now there's a panic. creates a dichotomy between awareness and the surreal. the wording strikes me as telling more than necessary, especially when looking at the next line as well.
are already trying to do.
Sometimes at night my anima wishes ..like the tone/ scene switch with "sometimes"
to take more than her fair share, ..."fair share" pretty idiomatic
or so thinks the “I” that I think of as me,
even though that “I” changes as quickly
as the surface of a fast moving stream. ...hmm
I think this is why I cannot enjoy
the love she trades for my essence.
Nothing is free, not even within myself...not sure I feel this line is necessary
But the truth is, what really scares me,..this could be tightened. Such as, "What really scares me, though," or "But what really scares me" or something of that nature"
is she shows me my impermanence, ..won't argue if you disagree. Impermanence struck me as being very direct; another way of describing or showing it would have interested me more. agree with billy that the concept does work well for the piece
for to fall into the stream of her love,
I must first embrace the idea that
I do not exist…but love is like that.

..I am at odds with the ending. I think the ideas mold well with the poem. that being said, I didn't find the ending as striking as I felt it could have been. maybe that's perfect for the tone of the piece on one hand, but I think another means of expressing it could really land an impact. there is a lot of deep material coursing through here...

©2011 ~Erthona

a nice read; i hope at least some of this is helpful