10-13-2011, 03:23 PM
A very intriguing piece Jack. There's primal imagery, but the emotion is very sensitive. I liked that.
Here are some of my thoughts on it.
Here are some of my thoughts on it.
(10-11-2011, 04:06 PM)Heslopian Wrote: Life is beginning again.
Stasis' womb has opened, briefly, My only (very small) nit about this line is that when read aloud, "stasis" kind of trips me up in its possessive form. Maybe "stasis has opened its womb" would read better? Not really sure.
pushing me through its entrance several inches, I do like inches, though "several" spoils it a little.How about simply "by inches"? Something like that, maybe.
to greet blinding lamps which shine on honesty. "which shine on honesty" is a little broadstroked/ vague for me, I'm afraid. I'm not sure I'm interpreting it correctly, though.
My heart is a cave, empty yet secret. I feel your pain Jack; heart does seem to be the most appropriate term for what you wish to say. If you're not inclined to change it, how about "my heart is a chamber"? I know it doesn't have the same ring, but the pun might give the metaphor an extra kick. That's just a suggestion though. Hope it helps, though maybe not
But day is creeping through the mouth,
towards this furthermost darkness. I love this image... your tone feeds the action marvelously.
Slowly like a shy infant. I begin to hope. Great line. Is "begin" here supposed to intentionally mirror "beginning" in the first line? If not, maybe change one or the other.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?