First effort for the serious board

[Philatone]

Dancing With Myself II




Absent interaction, loves deft touch as stated, I would like to know if this was supposed to show possession ("love's?")
I paint myself across the night
pelvis, charming the stars
Glad bedlam of limbs

all akimbo, all swirling circles
to mimic Luna, all bare feet the "all's" do give off the sense of motion, but they sacrifice the individual images for me. if the effect is more important, fair enough. If a slight change in rhythm is ok without losing a lot of meaning, I like substituting "all bare feet" with "every bare foot"

dancing in an article here would bring me more into a specific moment, "an" or "the" and give me something to ground myself inemerging dew
ten pink flowers
seducing the earth with
secret rhythims

not gay, but gay i like!
despite Walt’s apt description
of my electric body, my
glorious intercourse with
be-ing, my
happy affront to some assumed
definition of decency
my farmer’s elation at the touch
of living soil

It is not moot that I dance alone
naked i debated switching "alone" from the last line and "naked" from this one. I feel like the isolation is more important than the nakedness for this poem (not that its not important); also, by having "alone" on a line by itself, the form reinforces the meaning. just an idea I played with
that such frolic, not observed
by any prying eye
serves to make my peace
as if this dervish flees
the machinery of day
to warm obsidian night

and so preclude societies whim
that I wax jovial in my suit
of slippery skin
that I begin to express
the simplest sort of joy
free, free, free
of the very concept
of sin

I've tried Whitman's style before and it does not mesh with my own way of writing. To see lots of elements of it here put to strong use is an accomplishment beyond me. nicely done; most of my comments concern only the opening half and they are only suggestions that would help me in reading it