09-22-2011, 04:19 PM
this is gorgeously written. "Distances were longer then, closer to the ground" is a perfect distillation of what everyday felt like.
If I had to pick a nit, the line "and empty green eyes" didn't work for me for some reason. If I had to explain, I think its because "green" makes it the most literally vibrant line in terms of color (everything else was gray, dim, or neutral--- even blood-matted seemed more dirty rather than a vivid red) so even though you described it as dull and empty, the image of the eyes in context seems so alive (of course I accept it if it's entirely intentional on your part, where vibrance in a dead cat represents innocence slaughtered/ abandoned). That's just imo though
If I had to pick a nit, the line "and empty green eyes" didn't work for me for some reason. If I had to explain, I think its because "green" makes it the most literally vibrant line in terms of color (everything else was gray, dim, or neutral--- even blood-matted seemed more dirty rather than a vivid red) so even though you described it as dull and empty, the image of the eyes in context seems so alive (of course I accept it if it's entirely intentional on your part, where vibrance in a dead cat represents innocence slaughtered/ abandoned). That's just imo though
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?