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Hannah dances
in the back of my
thirsty mind
head bare in the sun
as she moves
swivel-hipped
to a tune I can’t
quite remember.
Humming to herself and
watching the dust dance
around her pretty feet.
The dark eyes flash lies
and her tanned thighs
are strong and sinuous.
She laughs to herself
as she dances in the
lonely desert of
this man’s dry heart
and in the corners
of eyes better suited
to staring through
heat haze at distant
horizon lines
where ghost cattle
walk knee deep
in phantom water
and where the
promise of
tomorrow is
lost inside the
truth of today.
Reality is
a man
a horse
a dog
a long way home.
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As this went along, I tried to fix the pace of the words with the pace or gait of a horse, or man, without success. Possibly a sitting trot.... From 'She laughs... to 'to-day'. is one long sentence, but it did evoke passage of time, and that state where, doing some mechanical thing, our minds, or part of them, do go walkabout -- it used to happen to me, working night-shifts in a a factory, grinding poppet-valves! But reality is always there, much more straight-forward. It created a good atmosphere, for me.
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Joined: Jul 2011
(09-23-2011, 08:43 PM)John Holland Wrote: Hannah dances
in the back of my
thirsty mind I really like this strophe. It conveys longing in an origianl manner.
head bare in the sun
as she moves
swivel-hipped
to a tune I can’t
quite remember.
Humming to herself and
watching the dust dance
around her pretty feet.
The dark eyes flash lies
and her tanned thighs Nice internal rhyme.
are strong and sinuous.
She laughs to herself
as she dances in the
lonely desert of I've seen 'dances' quite close together - perhaps tell us what kind of dance, or use a synonym.
this man’s dry heart 'dry' ties in nicely 'thirsty' in the opening strophe.
and in the corners
of eyes better suited
to staring through
heat haze at distant
horizon lines
where ghost cattle
walk knee deep
in phantom water
and where the
promise of
tomorrow is
lost inside the
truth of today.
Reality is
a man
a horse
a dog
a long way home.
Welcome, John. Some of your sentences are quite drawn out, but it was a nice read overall. You maintained the allusion of melancholy and the passage of time well. It gives me a profound sense of loss.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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(09-23-2011, 08:43 PM)John Holland Wrote: Hannah dances
in the back of my
thirsty mind
head bare in the sun
as she moves
swivel-hipped
to a tune I can’t
quite remember.
Humming to herself and might lose the 'and' here
watching the dust dance
around her pretty feet.
The dark eyes flash lies
and her tanned thighs
are strong and sinuous.
She laughs to herself
as she dances in the
lonely desert of
this man’s dry heart
and in the corners
of eyes better suited like these 5 lines- wish they were together
to staring through
heat haze at distant
horizon lines
where ghost cattle
walk knee deep
in phantom water
and where the
promise of
tomorrow is
lost inside the
truth of today.
Reality is
a man
a horse
a dog
a long way home.
I appreciate that you will have reasons for the way you have chopped this up , John, so I won't suggest dividing the strophes up any differently, although I might have been tempted to. What do I know.
I really enjoyed the piece. It gave me the image of that optical illusion dancer where you can make it move clockwise or anti clockwise because of the shadows on her feet. (just an aside). The longing and loneliness, maybe even homesickness here is well communicated.
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Threads: 49
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Hi John,
It's good to see you posting and I gotta say I really like what you've done. You can call me AA or Mark or whatever you like. I'm new to poetry, but I still try to do critiques so that I can learn to critique and hopefully get better at writing also. So here are a newbie's thoughts concerning a very good poem.
(09-23-2011, 08:43 PM)John Holland Wrote: Hannah dances --a quite engaging start. 'thirsty mind' gives me an achey feel and it is so fresh. nicely done.
in the back of my
thirsty mind
head bare in the sun
as she moves
swivel-hipped
to a tune I can’t
quite remember.
Humming to herself and
watching the dust dance
around her pretty feet. --hands down favorite part. it is such a cute image and set me up nicely for the slightly sinister 'dark eyes'
The dark eyes flash lies
and her tanned thighs
are strong and sinuous.
She laughs to herself
as she dances in the
lonely desert of
this man’s dry heart --dry heart, thirsty mind. great tie-in.
and in the corners
of eyes better suited
to staring through
heat haze at distant
horizon lines
where ghost cattle
walk knee deep
in phantom water 
and where the
promise of
tomorrow is
lost inside the
truth of today. --imo this might come off as cliche, not that I'm necessarily saying it is cliche, but it is just so tidy it sounds trite to me. no offense (What do I know?)
Reality is
a man
a horse
a dog
a long way home.
The ending is profound IMO and I don't have any nits for it at all. By and large, this is a great poem. I have read it
quite a few times and imagine I will read it quite a few more.
Thanks for sharing.
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Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
09-24-2011, 03:03 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-24-2011, 03:03 PM by billy.)
i quite like this. it feels like it wants to be staccato. as short as lean as possible. for me you could remove a lot of the small words.
ie;
The dark eyes flash lies
and her tanned thighs
are strong and sinuous.
Dark eyes flash lies
her tanned thighs
strong and sinuous.
you could do something similar in most of the verse within the poem. (just suggestions of course)
. i think it needs to be tightened up in order to add some strength to the piece. thanks for the read.
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Threads: 25
Joined: Aug 2011
and where the
promise of
tomorrow is
lost inside the
truth of today
........this little bit of your intriquing poem seems lacking somehow. I think what makes it so is the high standard you set elsewhere in this verse. This created a picture of a cowboy on a cattle drive sustaining himself with images from his memory.
where ghost cattle
walk knee deep
in phantom water ..........straight out of my early viewings of Rawhide! (away in the distance the shimmering of a mirage with white dust-covered cattle)
Like AA I am a new to this site and new to critiquing good poetry so can only do so from a gut feeling.
I got a bit confused with the changeover from the first person narrative to the third (but, perhaps that's just me)
