summer stares the grass brown

[John Holland]

blood warms
in the sun

juices thaw and flow

we fall headlong
(stumble into)

lust
love
heat

a burnt-orange dreaming

[Leanne]

I'm reading this with the smoke from the first bushfires of the season hanging in the air, very appropriate I like the uncontrolled nature of the fall/stumble leading into those single-word lines -- but I'm reminded of the fact that although fire consumes, it also renews.

Love the title also, though I'm not sure I wouldn't like it just as the first line with a different title altogether.

Thanks for the read, John.

[Todd]

Hello John,

Welcome to the forum!

Your title is spectacular. I wish I'd written it. Here are some suggestions to consider:

Maybe make the first lines consistent with the title length. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with your break on warms it's just that (and this is of course only an opinion) the longer line feels somewhat better less choppy. The heat gives me a languid sense and a longer line feels more languid (to me).

Two options for that route:

blood warms in the sun

blood warms in the sun juices (my preference)

I also don't think the one word lines do much for you. I'd cut them and go right to the wonderful a burnt-orange dreaming.

I really love the tone and mood here. Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd

[Wildcard]

Hi John,

   You've written quite an inspired poem IMO. The title is very intriguing, and I am in love with 'a burnt-orange dreaming'. If I had a suggestion, it would be to compact this already brief and well-worded poem a little; the layout could be tighter and the one-word lines expanded upon. Also, I didn't understand the necessity of '(stumble into)'. Just feels like an echo of the previous line.
   I wish I'd thought of some of the rich phrases you've come up with for this one. Thanks for sharing, sir.

[heslopian]

I rather like this. It's vague yet sewn together with crisp images. My one nit would be the first line. I find it gruesome and Edgar Allan Poe-ish. As your following lines evoke a sensual serenity it seems out of place. Other than that though this is lovely. Makes me picture love making in a sunlit meadow.

[Aish]

blood warms
in the sun

juices thaw and flow

we fall headlong
(stumble into)

lust
love
heat

a burnt-orange dreaming

Welcome, John. The final four lines are my favorite, but the poem as whole is quite intriguing. The one place it falters is (stumble into). Placed beneath 'we fall headlong' seems erroneous.

[Ca ne fait rien]

Hi John
A scorching piece
It is okay to fall headlong dramatically and romantically, although most of us just lurch about and find ourselves with grazed knees and wonder how we got there.

[John Holland]

So true...

[billy]

i do love shorts like this. the title is superb, i never thought i'd enjoy lust, love, heat, all in the same poem, one after another but in this small thing it works really well. for me it's a keeper.

thanks for thread.

[addy]

A slow, syrupy burn. Nicely done.

My only, tiny nit would be the use of the word thaw... it tripped me up a little because everything else in the poem suggested warmth that's getting warmer (blood under the sun) while "thaw" suggests a state of having been frozen. Nevertheless the line is beautiful so it did not detract much from the pleasure of reading this

[abu nuwas]

Because I am me, this brought to mind two overlapping images. One was that sense where a hot place, having been hot for a long period, produces a kind of mixture of idleness and activity -- but everything is really emanating from the sun beating down on the pavements, beaches, cafes, houses. (Rather loftily, one of Albert Camus's books comes to mind, it would be more lofty if I could remember which), but that thought came after the very first impression, which is a canvas my sister painted in Morocco, all reds, oranges and earthy colours -- the subject of much covetousness, as she has not sold it.

[only rob]

Hi, John; Welcome. I enjoyed this, but will leave substantive crit to those better qualified. Good to see you here,

Rob