Village child
#2
(09-22-2011, 01:10 AM)Ca ne fait rien Wrote:  Rumpled grey-sock days
scuffed-shoe, scabbed-knee days [b]Reading 'days' so close together threw me off your rhythm a bit. Perhaps 'afternoons' or some other substitution?[/b]
distances were longer then Are you saying 'longer then' as a glance backward in time, or 'longer than'? A comma after L4 would help with the delineation.
closer to the ground.

Dampstung colt legs buck Dampstung is ingenious, now that I have a handle on it. At first I read it as "Durmstrang" from Harry Potter.
in awkward grace
to crazy rhythms
of bumping satchel books,
kick at invisible traces
along tree- tunnelled lanes I think tunnelled = tunneled
prevaricating I wonder if 'deceptively' would work better here? I appreciate the word choice, but it is out of synch with the rest of your diction.
solitary.


Trees and fields grow thin
draped in sad cobweb rags I love this image!
of rising river mists
muddy leaves lie in heavy drifts
still, dull
as the blood -matted fur
and empty green eyes
of the tortoiseshell cat
in the gutter
dead. I think perhaps you could pull 'dead' up into the preceding line, 'dead in the gutter' for the sake of your enjabment.
Thank you for the read.

PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Messages In This Thread
Village child - by Ca ne fait rien - 09-22-2011, 01:10 AM
RE: Village child - by Aish - 09-22-2011, 03:09 AM
RE: Village child - by abu nuwas - 09-22-2011, 03:26 AM
RE: Village child - by Leanne - 09-22-2011, 05:30 AM
RE: Village child - by Todd - 09-22-2011, 05:41 AM
RE: Village child - by Ca ne fait rien - 09-22-2011, 06:34 AM
RE: Village child - by billy - 09-22-2011, 12:21 PM
RE: Village child - by addy - 09-22-2011, 04:19 PM
RE: Village child - by Ca ne fait rien - 09-22-2011, 05:08 PM
RE: Village child - by only rob - 09-23-2011, 10:25 PM
RE: Village child - by writeitout - 09-23-2011, 10:45 PM
RE: Village child - by Ca ne fait rien - 09-24-2011, 12:43 AM



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