Crushed

[ICSoria]

Sid, I haven't much to say in the way of serious critique for this one -- I'm pretty sure I know that guy though I love "controlled mendacities", and I also like the contrast between his POV of believing that his "well placed, unassuming glances" go unnoticed, while she "can't help thinking of that roach". I do find L7 a bit on the cliched side, and you could probably do without the "undressing" part.

It's a very fine two-part poem.

Thanks Leanne,
Very good advice as usual.
I was wondering if the "...undressing her" part is not what makes the line seem cliché so I am trying it without that. I also got to thinking that portion could be shortened, to somewhat maintain line length; it seems easier to simply say someone walked in, as it is understood they walk in through a door. I am also wondering: Does "graciously" add anything, or is it extraneous and would the poem be better served without it? I was once told as much but I disagreed at the time. Not so sure now. Thanks again,



Crushed (Revision)

Nonchalantly sidling up,
speech refined and well-rehearsed.
He crafts his conversation
of controlled mendacities.
Well placed, unassuming glances
mask the fact, his eyes have not
stopped fondling her since she walked in.

She listens patiently; smiles graciously,
allowing him to try his favorite lines--
but can't help thinking of that roach
she crushed beneath her shoe that morning.

Sid