07-22-2011, 10:24 AM
(07-21-2011, 05:30 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision
The surface of the pond is mute—a dull glass of no opinion,
wrinkles blur to ripples. this line is improved 10 fold. love it.b]
You remain fair, as the distant moon is fair
cold as the latticework of stars.
I hang in this same spot, where your sliced hands [b] better without 'yet'
smashed to shards my brother. the context of shards works better here
Your face is the dawn’s light:
cheekbones rise like mountains,
skin soft as freshly fallen…Truth
is a luxury, an icy sliver
searching for the heart. better
You are fair as the frost
that kisses the windowpane.
Truth walks a path of shattered glass. i like this line on it's own, the 2nd truth works in it, 'walks' feel a little mundane
You are the fairest of them all—
a red poppy opening
to the sun
in a land without snow,
snow, snow.
the enjambment issues have gone and the layout works extremely well. you sorted the truth thing out well by making it obvious the last line
great edit Todd. jmo.
Original
The surface of the pond is mute, a dull glass—
of no opinion,
each wrinkle seen as a ripple.
You remain fair, as the distant moon
is fair, cold
as the latticework of stars.
Yet, I hang by your sliced hands
in this same spot.
Where once lay the shards of my brother.
Your face is the dawn’s light:
cheekbones rise like mountains,
skin soft as freshly fallen…Truth
is a luxury.
an icy sliver
searching for the heart.
You are fair as the frost
that kisses the windowpane. Truth
walks a path of shattered glass.
You are the fairest of them all—
the blooming rose
in sultry summer,
in a land without snow,
snow, snow.