Eggshell Dance

[ICSoria]

This is one I wrote a few years back.
I always liked the first, last, and penultimate lines but was never sure how to properly reconcile the rest. I have come to respect the various perspectives on this forum. Therefore, any critiques, comments, suggestions, or assertions that it is total crap...will be carefully considered. Thank you.

Sid

Eggshell Dance

She danced on eggshells, on the edge;
accrued indifference, feigned exception
to the lies and sophistry--
conspiratorial partners of deception

masked in clever conversations.
She weighs the options, even while
he watches and discreetly wonders
when she lost the enigmatic smile.

ICSoria
© 2011

[Aish]

This is only a drive by critique, I will return...

S1 L1 'on the edge' is erroneous.

'sophistry' and 'enigmatic' are two of my personal word obsessions, so I adore your inclusion of them.

Verb tense changes in S2.

[billy]

This is one I wrote a few years back.
I always liked the first, last, and penultimate lines but was never sure how to properly reconcile the rest. I have come to respect the various perspectives on this forum. Therefore, any critiques, comments, suggestions, or assertions that it is total crap...will be carefully considered. Thank you.

Sid

Eggshell Dance

She danced on eggshells, on the edge;
accrued indifference, feigned exception
to the lies and sophistry--
conspiratorial partners of deception

masked in clever conversations.
She weighs the options, even while
he watches and discreetly wonders
when she lost the enigmatic smile.

ICSoria
© 2011

i stumbled a little in the 1st line would at work better than the 2nd on?
lines 4 and 5 felt a little too ambiguous for me but that could be my fault.
i get the feeling something is going on. i'm trying to decide which one of them's unfaithful. which isn't a problem, in fact both could be at it, which would make it perfect. jmo

thanks for the read.

[ckeo]

mmmm... the way I read it... she is unfaithful and wants to leave him for her secret lover, he is wondering when the magic left the relationship. In any case there is enough mystery there to make me think about this piece... i really like it.

[heslopian]

I never read other critiques until I've posted my own on a poem, so forgive me if I'm repeating what's already been said.
I'm going to take a guess at what this poem is about: a society woman who pretends to be aloof and controlled while secretly walking on eggshells around people she deems important, much to the consternation of her husband/boyfriend.
I'm not sure I like "on the edge" in the first line. It seems cliche. Woman dancing on the edge... Seems like many poems I've read before. I don't know why but I think changing "on" to "at" would help. Maybe it's the two uses of the word "on" in the same line which jars me.
Thank you for teaching me a new word in "sophistry"
The last sentence has too many syllables I think. It interrupts the flow and seems clunky. How about instead of "the enigmatic" you put something like "her wide smile"? Just a suggestion.
Other than these quibbles this was a rather splendid piece; delicately structured and finely painted. I love the internal rhyme of "conversations" and "options." Thanks for the read.

[ICSoria]

BTW:
If any Newbies--experienced or novice--want to weigh in; here's your chance to practice, as I have very thick skin. Feel free to criticize anything glaringly illogical or incongruous, no matter how minor you may consider it. I will take any suggestions to heart, so feel free.

Sid

[Leanne]

BTW:
If any Newbies--experienced or novice--want to weigh in; here's your chance to practice, as I have very thick skin. Feel free to criticize anything glaringly illogical or incongruous, no matter how minor you may consider it. I will take any suggestions to heart, so feel free.

Sid

Well said, thick Sid

Any chance you could turn your PM option on at some point? I've a couple of ideas to throw at you.

[ICSoria]

Well said, thick Sid

Any chance you could turn your PM option on at some point? I've a couple of ideas to throw at you.

Sorry, I thought it was on.

[addy]

She danced on eggshells, on the edge;
accrued indifference, feigned exception I didn't much like "accrued", only because the line before it imo doesn't give enough context for the word to then be descriptive... maybe if you switched the order: "feigned exception, accrued indifference..." the logic would flow better
to the lies and sophistry--
conspiratorial "conspiratorial" sounds a little clunky partners of deception

masked in clever conversations. Like that this doubles as metaphorical masks, while alluding to a masquerade-like party
She weighs the options, even while
he watches and discreetly though "discreetly" is a description in keeping with the tone of the piece, maybe it's not needed to describe the act of thinking which is already hidden wonders
when she lost the enigmatic smile. nice close.

ICSoria
© 2011

Thanks for sharing

[ICSoria]

Excellent! I appreciate all the salient points made so far. Great to see other perspectives. Never too late to learn something, is it?
I am noting all suggestions and will work at attempting to fine-tune this soon. Thanks,

Sid