Verity

[Leanne]

When night wins shade from weary day
And you approach with teeth, with tongue,
I will not wear your negligee.

You dazzle with your wild array
Of verse contrived to best be sung
When night wins shade from weary day.

My honest flesh in nude display,
Too smooth to hide your barbs among:
I will not wear your negligee.

The dark can’t hide your dank decay --
You’re faded now, no longer young,
When night wins shade from weary day.

You stumble like a rondelet
With no refrain; you harp unstrung.
I will not wear your negligee

Nor paint myself your shade of grey
To beg for scraps your mouth has flung.
When night wins shade from weary day,
I will not wear your negligee.

[billy]

at first i thought it was about the truth of the mirror showing age.
then i sensed it to be be more a rant at love or what it should have been. of course i'm wrong but that's coolio hehe.

the vill is word perfect so no comment on the form other than to say excellently done.
the content for me has an ambiguity that works on more than one level (it's something i like in poetry) i get my own story from the poem and think others would probably get their own poem. i can't actually explain what i'm trying to say but you know what i mean

thanks for the read

[Leanne]

I do know what you mean and I'm glad you mean it, you know

[Todd]

I like how you used the refrain to mean something entirely different here:

The dark can’t hide your dank decay --
You’re faded now, no longer young,
When night wins shade from weary day.

It begins the poem as a simple passage of hours it becomes the sense of youth giving over to age.

That's just one example. You mix it up a lot here and keep both refrains fresh. As you read this you are advancing through the emotional context of a relationship. It takes a lot of work to establish this sense of momentum without sacrificing form.

It's amazing to see how much work some of these lines do. L1 with it's use of "wins" sets up L2 (the conflict between the couple) and makes L3 (the second refrain work).

The one partner dazzles

The narrator has an honest flesh

Then later the one who dazzles is now a harp unstrung playing off the earlier set up in S2.

S6 also ties back to S1 L2 in a way with scraps your mouth has flung (teeth, tongue).

Not much critique in this critique mostly just appreciation.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

Well! I certainly appreciate your appreciation, Todd, thanks very much. It's incredibly helpful to have such detailed feedback on why things work.

[heslopian]

An excellent piece. The "negligee" refrain made me giggle like a public schoolboy who's just learned the meaning of the word
Thanks for teaching me a new word in "rondelet"
My only suggestion is that you change the semi-colon to a comma after "refrain" in the penultimate verse. By separating the conjunctions the rhythm is slightly jarred in my opinion. Other than that this is pitch perfect. For some reason it reminds me of Oscar Wilde and his theory regarding aesthetics, how beauty is the most important aspect in a poem.

[Leanne]

Thanks Jack. I need a separation of some sort there -- the only alternative I can think of is an em-dash, or even a full stop. It really has to be an added clause or the meaning shifts too greatly. I shall have to ruminate

As for Wilde... well, you know how I feel about those dirty anti-aesthetes...