The Second Mirror Avoids the Question (Revision

[Todd]

Hi, Billy thanks for the comments. I took them into account as I did the revision. And yes, I might have a snow white fixation. Mostly, I seem to write to four themes:

Fairy Tale revisions
Retelling of the four gospels (bound to piss everyone off)
Retellings of Famous People
And some personal confessional type observations

I'm glad to be posting something here too. I always seem to have less time to write than I would like, but when I do I appreciate everyones great feedback.

Thanks again,

Todd

The surface of the pond is mute, a dull glass—
of no opinion,
each wrinkle seen as a ripple. for me it feels a little telly, would it become more of an image as .. each wrinkle a ripple

You remain fair, as the distant moon
is fair, cold
as the latticework of stars. the enjambment feels out in this verse

Yet, I hang by your sliced hands
in this same spot.
Where once lay the shards of my brother. shards feels too harsh

Your face is the dawn’s light:
cheekbones rise like mountains,
skin soft as freshly fallen…Truth i like this line a lot.

is a luxury.
an icy sliver
searching for the heart.

You are fair as the frost
that kisses the windowpane. Truth
walks a path of shattered glass.

You are the fairest of them all—
the blooming rose
in sultry summer,

in a land without snow,
snow, snow.

you have a snow white fixation young sir
i never mention the reiterations of fair and glass because it's about snow white, (I perceive) the reiteration of truth on the other hand feels a little heavy. i think it could improve with a small edit. jmo

thanks for the read and great to see you slip a poem up

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Hi Addy,

Thank you so much. You pointed out some things that really helped me consider where to take this. I appreciate fully both your comments and the time spent with the piece. It was most helpful. Hopefully the revision is a step forward.

Best,

Todd

This is some beautiful work, Todd. Plus, I adore that title .

The surface of the pond is mute, a dull glass—
of no opinion, I love this. Something about the punctuation seems off though... maybe the dash should be after "mute"?
each wrinkle seen as a ripple.

You remain fair, as the distant moon
is fair, cold
as the latticework of stars.

Yet, I hang by your sliced hands for me this line would have more drama without "Yet"
in this same spot.
Where once lay the shards of my brother.

Your face is the dawn’s light:
cheekbones rise like mountains, I like the effect the colon gives, like watching a sunrise in progress
skin soft as freshly fallen…Truth

is a luxury. nice bridge of the line
an icy sliver
searching for the heart.

You are fair as the frost
that kisses the windowpane. Truth Is there a significance to this repetition of truth? If so, maybe restructure it in a more prominent place to reflect that
walks a path of shattered glass.

You are the fairest of them all—
the blooming rose
in sultry summer, "rose in summer" is not particularly original but in context it works well

in a land without snow,
snow, snow. I love this close