Drift

[billy]

Lost

held by you
wrapped in grace would it work better if grave were better expressed?
inhaling dew from perfumed exchange
exquisite aromas rising from between two how exquisite and of what perfume?

supple waves of spell binding titillation
given by your lips
only consummates my adoration

blossoming beneath untamed energy
i become a glittering ocean a glittering ocean of what?
slowly you drift
into me

Bliss

you've probably heard of show, don't tell?
if not, show don't tell means try and use an image to to show what you mean instead of just telling us what you did or what you smelled.

i found when writing love poems i came over all poetical, it's one of the reasons i stay away from them. knowing how i wrote tem sent me the to opposite end of the love poem and all i wrote about was screwing this that way and lick that this way etc. i was crap.

i realised i wasn't telling the poem in a way it really was. i was either cropping the picture, or adding to it. i thought thats what we did when we wrote a love poem.

anyway back to the poem; it's a nice poem but is that what you really want, or do you want us to feel the moment the 1st person in the poem felt? at the moment it comes across as a little hall marky but a small edit can really bring it alive.

everything i spoke of is jmo to use or discard as you see fit. i hope a small part of it helps.

thanks for the read.