The Dance

[Cthonian]

Naked dancing,
sprawled and effervescing
with beaded sudor,
exuding grunts and staccato whines.

The steps take seconds,
no preamble.
The closing reels
are attained rapidly.

With an atomic spasm,
everthing clenches.
The crescendo is here.

Unfathomable amounts
of furious nerve endings
burst in a supernovic fashion.

Several billion pounds of power,
seventy miles high,
force my head into the cold brick.

And to end, torn fingernails,
a nosebleed.

[billy]

i have to cook dinner now but i'll reply to the poems tomorrow.

if you can try and d, (let's say) 1 or 2 a day in order to garner responses.
by all means do 1 or 2 a day in the mild feedback as well if you wish.
if you can, try and reply to some of the other poems. just be honest and say why you like or why it doesn't work. don't worry about getting anything wrong. like poetry feedback is an acquired skill.

[Cthonian]

Of course, sorry for the burst of poems, as I mentioned I'm hoping to get a good few hours to work on some revisions this weekend and would like as much feedback as possible. If needed I can remove one or two poems?

[Leanne]

No, don't remove any, just be prepared for us to take a while to get to them -- full critiques take time and brain power, both of which are often in short supply

This is an interesting piece on first glance and although I don't have the time to critique just now, I look forward to giving it a proper going-over.

[addy]

I really liked this one... it was evocative without being necessarily visceral. You have a little blood and snot but overall it exudes a beauty. I just have a few suggestions for editing it but otherwise very nice

Naked dancing,
sprawled and effervescing I love this line... captures my imagination
with beaded sudor,
exuding grunts and staccato whines.

The steps take seconds,
no preamble.
The closing reels
are attained rapidly. Not sure what this line means? Just needs rephrasing but I think this verse is good

With an atomic spasm, I quite like the explosion metaphor, but imo the shift in image was a little abrupt
everthing clenches.
The crescendo is here. Just imo, but I think "is here" (the way it's phrased) coupled with the hanging break of the verse undercuts the actual feeling of a crescendo that you want to build. Try to maintain the tension that will bridge the crescendo over to the next line.

Unfathomable amounts
of furious nerve endings
burst in a supernovic fashion. qualifying it with "fashion" weakens "supernova" unnecessarily, imo

Several billion pounds of power,
seventy miles high, it's odd to me that the line before this is generic ("several billion") while this is very specific ("seventy miles"); maybe just pick one angle or the other
force my head into the cold brick.

And to end, torn fingernails,
a nosebleed. Like where you ended it

[Cthonian]

Thank you for the comments Addy, and Billy & Leanne - I look forward to your comments.

I've found throughout my poetry, I mix the general with the specific (in this case "several billion/seventy miles") so that's something I can definitely work on. Perhaps if it was changed to something like:

"A hundred pounds of power,
seventy miles high,"

- that would work better?

and re: the "crescendo" section - I quite like how the "crescendo" itself is understated, I tried to convey that the crescendo was always expected, and that it's almost a formality that it has arrived.

[addy]

"A hundred pounds of power,
seventy miles high,"

- that would work better?

That could work . You could also, if you want, just use one unit of measurement and use the other line for a hyperbolic image. "A billion pounds of power --- a storm cloud high---". Wither way is good, I think

and re: the "crescendo" section - I quite like how the "crescendo" itself is understated, I tried to convey that the crescendo was always expected, and that it's almost a formality that it has arrived.

Ah, that makes sense then . And anyway it's your poem, so your stylistic choice takes precedence, and ours are just suggestions that can be safely disregarded.