Lost


held by you

wrapped in grace

inhaling dew from perfumed exchange

exquisite aromas rising from between two



supple waves of spell binding titillation

given by your lips

only consummates my adoration



blossoming beneath untamed energy

i become a glittering ocean

slowly you drift

into me


Bliss

(06-08-2011, 06:46 AM)violet Wrote:  Lost

held by you
wrapped in grace would it work better if grave were better expressed?
inhaling dew from perfumed exchange
exquisite aromas rising from between two how exquisite and of what perfume?

supple waves of spell binding titillation
given by your lips
only consummates my adoration

blossoming beneath untamed energy
i become a glittering ocean a glittering ocean of what?
slowly you drift
into me

Bliss

you've probably heard of show, don't tell?
if not, show don't tell means try and use an image to to show what you mean instead of just telling us what you did or what you smelled.

i found when writing love poems i came over all poetical, it's one of the reasons i stay away from them. knowing how i wrote tem sent me the to opposite end of the love poem and all i wrote about was screwing this that way and lick that this way etc. i was crap.

i realised i wasn't telling the poem in a way it really was. i was either cropping the picture, or adding to it. i thought thats what we did when we wrote a love poem.

anyway back to the poem; it's a nice poem but is that what you really want, or do you want us to feel the moment the 1st person in the poem felt? at the moment it comes across as a little hall marky but a small edit can really bring it alive.

everything i spoke of is jmo to use or discard as you see fit. i hope a small part of it helps.

thanks for the read.

I like the lovely, ethereal quality in this... I just want to wallow in it

Hope my comments are useful

(06-08-2011, 06:46 AM)violet Wrote:  Lost


held by you

wrapped in grace

inhaling dew from perfumed exchange

exquisite aromas rising from between two



supple waves of spell binding titillation

given by your lips

only consummates not sure consummates is the word? my adoration



blossoming beneath untamed energy it's the descriptions of "titillation" and "energy" that confuses me a little... I know this is supposed to be a love scene, but skipping between excited and then immediately calm imagery creates a disjoint (for me anyway, just imo)

i become a glittering ocean

slowly you drift

into me


Bliss nice arc to the end

This is my first proper critique, so please just read it as my personal opinions. Enjoyed the poem very much, some standout lines and imagery. To echo what Addy wrote, it has an ethereal and fragile quality which I love.

(06-08-2011, 06:46 AM)violet Wrote:  Lost


held by you

wrapped in grace

inhaling dew from perfumed exchange I like this line a lot.

exquisite aromas rising from between two



supple waves of spell binding titillation

given by your lips

only consummates my adoration Consummates seems a bit incongruous - maybe "completes" or something that suggests "growth" or "complettion" or something similar? That said, the connotations of the word "consummate" has a good effect.



blossoming beneath untamed energy

i become a glittering ocean Beautiful imagery.

slowly you drift

into me


Bliss

Thank you all for your beautifully thoughtful critiques
I appreciate all of your suggestions and it is always good to hear other peoples P.O.V

I thought i could break it down a little to let you see what i was trying to say with it:

Lost


held by you

wrapped in grace

inhaling dew from perfumed exchange

exquisite aromas rising from between two (this and line above relates to the certain 'scents' that are present when in a 'sensual moment' ... keeping it clean by saying 'sensual moment' )




supple waves of spell binding titillation (teasing feelings of excitement brought about by the kiss. Anticipation of penetration)

given by your lips

only consummates my adoration (i agree,, consummates may be the wrong word)



blossoming beneath untamed energy (this is in relation to the longed for 'entry' and how the subject of the poem 'let's herself go' under the untamed/wild passions of the male)

i become a glittering ocean (us ladies do become rather 'wet'.. even more so during the act it's self )

slowly you drift

into me


Bliss


I hope this was helpful in explaining

Thank you so much for your lovely comments, i will take note and change a few lines/words here and there

I thought i could break it down a little to let you see what i was trying to say with it:

Lost


held by you

wrapped in grace

inhaling dew from perfumed exchange

exquisite aromas rising from between two



supple waves of spell binding titillation

given by your lips

only consummates my adoration



blossoming beneath untamed energy

i become a glittering ocean

slowly you drift

into me


Bliss

---

Lost

held by you.
Sensual scents
present in the moment.

Teasing feelings,
excitement
brought by the kiss,
the anticipation of penetration.

A longed for entry;
wet untamed.
Make me drip.

Slowly
you drift
into me

bliss.

i know the above looks like i wrote it but the words are all yours, from your explanation.
i'm not trying to re write the poem but i am trying to show you that often a poem can be found in an explanation.

the writes you put in prose, within them you give the explanation and because of it they, specially the granddad one jumps out at us (me) jmo.