The Ocean's Letter to the First Lighthouse (Revised)

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

This poem rocks! I was unclear if the title was intended to be the topic heading or the lead in line I think the strongest title is "The Ocean's Letter to the First Lighthouse" because it's just awesome. I like half of the revision but there are parts of the original that were also stellar. Here are my thoughts (a ton of opinions actually use or ignore what you like):

A letter to the first lighthouse


Oh, yellow-eyed cyclops
Mapping the night
With a carouseling stare--a is an improvement over it
How much mystery
Did I own before
The language of your light?--optional you could cut your. It's implied in the context. I love the idea of the mystery and having something lost. This is technology versus the old gods (which is why I prefer the old ending...but later on that

I remember stone-piked shores
Stabbing the bellies of boats,
Coral reefs ambushing sailors--yeah saw Billy's comment agree coral sounds too pretty here.
Like Apache, in the black-water night.--I think you could cut Like Apache it feels too modern, and it reads perfectly fine without it.
Men who saw nor heard nothing
But the thickening dark curtain--The men who saw line feels a bit awkward maybe combine...Men who saw the thickening dark curtain.
Of silence and seawater--great line
Men who met the taste of salt,
Then, the limp pose of death.

Okay, here's where I diverge. I like the old versions final two strophes minus that three line one. Obviously if you like the new version more (and it isn't awful Lawrence but I think it strays from your theme...technology replacing an age of magic our lives are safer but there is less wonder). Looking at the old version:

Oh, the countless trophies
You have stolen from me
And oh, the countless hours
I have spent worrying
Thinking with each breaking wave
“When I will be nothing more
Than a highway?”--outside of cutting the two "Oh"s this is stellar. The entire idea of it is cool.

Okay the problem with the final strophe in my opinion is that you didn't go far enough. Stay Greek Myth (maybe no dragons) go crazy with it. The first line rocks. In future lines you could kill the "Once".

Personify the ocean as an early god. Drop the was from the trident line. Talk about the gods being eaten by their parents. People transformed into beasts. I think where you were going with the fire was prometheus. So have a man chained to a rock above the ocean with his liver torn out. Find a way to tie it back to the light house which is this non crude fire. Even if you keep the original ening lines more build up.

Because once, the sun was a chariot
Once, dragons slept in the hills
Once, I was ruled with a trident,
And once, there was chaos
Then, fire.
Crude fire


Lawrence it's entirely possible that I'm nuts and I shouldn't be pushing you this way, but in a way your revision (which has some stronger parts to it) has given up some of the mystery that launched this thing into something really special. Again only my opinion.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Best,

Todd