Leo in Love

[addy]

I study your small round handwriting
and the ridges of your teeth
with precise attention
over,
and over,
and over,
but decipher nothing of your trick;
maddening and strange
like the delusions of constellations.

Delphinus.
Centaurus.
Equuleus.

I confess this in clear, elaborate points:
Alpha Scorpii.
Delta Librae.
Eta Ceti.
But you laugh it off,
your alien body cool and oppressive
against my scalding chest.

“Then just ask,” you say
and I can grasp no choice
But to trust the wide void in your eyes
Even when they tell me nothing at all.

-----------------------------------

contrary to the title, this has nothing to do with my bro LOL. I just picked the name because it is also a constellation.

[billy]

not a lot for me to work on addy.

you left little to critique apart from a well written poem about
the need/wanting to know of love and how to achieve it. (jmo )

sounds like the person within the poem doesn't really believes love exists
and wants some hard truth.
i found it to be very clean and neat in truth i didn't find anything i would change.thanks for the read.

[addy]

Thanks billy.

My inspiration was trying to write from the POV of a man with Aspergers. Even though they're capable of falling in love like all people are, I was fascinated how a person who can't understand body language/vocal cues/non-verbal nuance might handle it.

[Bianca Alabaster]

excellent poem.

[digna_sofia]

...I just fell in love with this.

Does this have anything to do with that one conversation we had last week about autism?

[addy]

Does this have anything to do with that one conversation we had last week about autism?

Funnily enough, I wrote this before we talked about that friend of yours, and it was just happy coincidence... that's why if you recall I was a little overenthusiastic about the subject LOL

[heslopian]

As Billy said, a neat and clean poem, rather like a short story, though not too much. Everything was pretty much just so. One quibble I do have, however, is with the simile: "like the delusions of constellations." How are constellations deluded? (Like many other subjects, astronomy is beyond my field of knowledge, so forgive me if the problem is my own ignorance).
I loved the way you juxtaposed "cool and oppressive" with "scalding chest." Gently erotic and sweet.

[addy]

As Billy said, a neat and clean poem, rather like a short story, though not too much. Everything was pretty much just so. One quibble I do have, however, is with the simile: "like the delusions of constellations." How are constellations deluded?

I was trying to refer to the fact that constellations are a product of our imagination, brought about by the fact that we instinctively see patterns where in reality there are none. But you're right that as a simile the meaning is much too strained LOL

In its current form the poem is serviceable, but it obviously needs some rewriting. Thanks for the critique!

[Todd]

Hi Addy,

I was going through some of the archives and came across this poem of yours. I don't normally bump things from three months ago, but

I'm in the process of reading a book about a high-functioning person with aspergers

and

I wrote a poem about autism recently

and most importantly: you just nail it with this poem and I wanted to let you know.

Your first two lines set the tone perfectly. This is someone looking for clues to behavior that they can't access. It's like they are a lone anthropologist trying to make sense of the broader part of humanity. Words like study, precise, decipher, and I confess this in clear, elaborate points are really well chosen. What really makes this shine though is the entire delusions of constellations. That is an inspired idea to pull it all together. That you make the other an alien. That you make the speakers chest scalding (touch and the intimacy of it is difficult). And that you make the eyes a void (especially the choice of using the word "in" instead of "of". This person doesn't get to be figurative. It's really well done.

I think my only suggested change is right here:


But you laugh it off,

I think the colloqualism would be difficult for this person. It might be better as: But you laugh

Extremely good work Addy. I hope you can forgive the bump.

Best,

Todd

[addy]

I don't mind the bump at all . I really, really appreciate your incisive comments and of course your suggestion, which is spot-on. Thanks a lot!