A game of Go

[Lawrence]

Now let us play a game of go
Take up the stones of shell and slate
We’ll spread our thoughts across the rows
In patterns none can recreate.
I build until the board is so
Inhabited by pieces placed
My kingdom then must swallow those
You call your own ambition’s space.
We act and react, as if though
We’re jugglers of each others fate
Attempting to both catch and throw
To construct and annihilate
I’m overtaken by my foe
I lose, and dissect my mistakes
How one vine’s vice-grip spreads and grows
How one lone pawn may induce mate.
Now we have played a game of go
Extend our hands, and firmly shake
We clear the board of every stone

And begin the dance again.

[billy]

excellent rhyme
about the game and about life, relationships etc.
if i had a nit it would be that the ending feels a
little forced or even unnecessary. for me the piece would be
better if it ended at mate. it has good flow and therefore reads well


thanks for the read lawrence.

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

It's taken me awhile to get to your poem (relatives in town and sick yippee). Here are some comments for you:

First off your title is almost reiterated in your first line. If you rework the title you probably can cut lines one and three. Line two is a much stronger opening because there is action in it. The current line one is a proposition and comes off a bit flat after reading the title. You have some strong lines here. Most notably:

Take up the stones of shell and slate
In patterns none can recreate. --I like that pair of lines


My kingdom then must swallow those --seems a good way to describe the game.

We act and react, as if though
We’re jugglers of each others fate
Attempting to both catch and throw
To construct and annihilate--that entire section is a nice metapor (hidden in a metaphor).

A couple areas that I wasn't sure about (I realize any changes affect other lines with the rhyme scheme):

I’m overtaken by my foe
I lose, and dissect my mistakes--these lines seem too static and reflective.

How one vine’s vice-grip spreads and grows
How one lone pawn may induce mate.--Though I did like the juggler earlier. I had an issue with these lines. Here's my issue Lawrence: I want the game of Go to be the metaphor for what you are writing about moving me to other metaphors especially chess (another game) diminishes what you are trying to get at with Go. What about the game specifically speaks about life, our relationships, etc? Can we keep it confined to that game? Could just be me.


Now we have played a game of go
Extend our hands, and firmly shake
We clear the board of every stone--there is something about this line that resonates. I don't know if the others add much.

And begin the dance again.

So some good lines. A good idea for a metaphor to base a poem on. I'd just like to see you draw out the game more as the source of your metaphors.

I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd