Queen

[billy]

This needs a lot of work... please suggest something

Queen


Sticky lips
smearing dye
stick needles
through a spindled eye
Sits splendid as
He sips his tea
All too important
Not to speak

And wonders
how she misses
when callouses
cared enough to hurt;
Smiles near perfect
as she hides the sound of mice
under the heel of her
one glass shoe

obviously an amalgam of fairy tale
but centered around cinders. i get a feeling of was it worth it. all the work all the getting ready and for what. to be ignored. that life really isn't a fairy tale.
i have a feeling i'm way off the mark but it's what i get.

the first stanza feels like an incantation of sorts.
would it work best as two quatrains

same with stanza 2
the internal rime works well.

and even though you have no definite rhyme
pattern so does
the external.

i'd make the title tell me something definite.
let it be a path of sorts.

for me it might work better if it were a two quatrain poem with longer lines. as is, each short line carries half the power it should.

i'm struggling with "stick needles" on it own line as it makes do a double take.

it's original with more than a single layer. so that in itself gets some good marks. i think you just need to tighten it up a little.