09-12-2020, 05:03 AM
Hi Lily,
I think you have a perfectly set up outline. You have things laid out well. This happens, then this, etc. The problem is your just telling me straight up. "I know you’re not looking at me." for example. Good idea for an image, but you could say this many different ways, and I saw more than a few lines like that. Just give us the colors, we'll get it. Ask yourself with every line how it might be better.
I think you have a perfectly set up outline. You have things laid out well. This happens, then this, etc. The problem is your just telling me straight up. "I know you’re not looking at me." for example. Good idea for an image, but you could say this many different ways, and I saw more than a few lines like that. Just give us the colors, we'll get it. Ask yourself with every line how it might be better.