He Still Enjoys Christmas
#3
(11-19-2018, 09:30 AM)Richard Wrote:  He Still Enjoys Christmas

She used to hum about reindeer
in October, place Santa hats
on helpless jack-o-lanterns, could use a word implying time-expired ("aging?") instead of "helpless."
homemade eggnog in the fridge.
It was when her Christmas pants
were tight enough for him to notice,
she didn't wake up on Boxing Day alone. to eliminate the very slight chance of interpreting this as "she ddn't wake up at all on Boxing Day, unlike other days," "alone" might go between "up" and "on" - but "alone" has more impact at the end.  So stet, really.

Today, she thinks of Rudolph
having to overdose because of the bullies,  "having to" is a little weak... something like simply "overdosing" instead?
the mall Santa hourly.
He left her on New Year's Eve
for someone named Candy Cane.
She disliked irony after that.  very good line
She hadn't learned to hate yet:
positive pregnancy test negated  maybe a bit too telegraphic... start line with something like "joy of..." to give emotional background
by unanswered phone calls
(no appropriate emoji),
his half of the abortion unpaid. Brings the hammer down at the end.  Very good.
Slice of life with Christmas (or perhaps [e]Xmas) trimmings, very neatly done.

In moderate critique, I can find very little wrong with this one.  The above comments are almost entirely suggestions, feel myself reaching.

About the title:  it's one the reader has to look back at rather than forward from.  This is not bad, but leaves me a little dissatisfied; not sure why.  It's such a good story.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
Reply


Messages In This Thread
He Still Enjoys Christmas - by Richard - 11-19-2018, 09:30 AM
RE: He Still Enjoys Christmas - by billy - 11-19-2018, 01:21 PM
RE: He Still Enjoys Christmas - by dukealien - 11-19-2018, 11:05 PM
RE: He Still Enjoys Christmas - by nozaki - 11-20-2018, 01:46 AM
RE: He Still Enjoys Christmas - by Richard - 11-20-2018, 10:37 AM
RE: He Still Enjoys Christmas - by Ally - 12-10-2018, 03:39 AM
RE: He Still Enjoys Christmas - by Richard - 12-13-2018, 01:00 PM
RE: He Still Enjoys Christmas - by Ally - 12-14-2018, 04:10 AM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!