01-09-2018, 01:29 PM
I didn't know what to comment till i read the original after the edit, there is a line there you cut out in your edit.
(though i know she's there)
though i dont blame you for cutting it, it doesn't fit, but i like it... i feel like if you tweaked it you could fit it in again. maybe like you feel the shadow or echo of yourself.
never let me find who I really am
(though I hear her echo in my ears) or (though I chase her shadow) or... compare her to soap. slippery. "she slips like water through my fingers." or "she slips like water from my hand"
the one God sees and loves
oh second note, trollop does sound odd... the only reference in relation to a horse gait i found was this:
http://glenshee.blogspot.ca/2010/03/trollop.html
which wasn't a good kind of imagery to it...
though any kind of stomp or gait doesn't sound right either, you mentioned sharpened hooves, maybe something dramatic...
"pierce me with sharpened hooves"
(though i know she's there)
though i dont blame you for cutting it, it doesn't fit, but i like it... i feel like if you tweaked it you could fit it in again. maybe like you feel the shadow or echo of yourself.
never let me find who I really am
(though I hear her echo in my ears) or (though I chase her shadow) or... compare her to soap. slippery. "she slips like water through my fingers." or "she slips like water from my hand"
the one God sees and loves
oh second note, trollop does sound odd... the only reference in relation to a horse gait i found was this:
http://glenshee.blogspot.ca/2010/03/trollop.html
which wasn't a good kind of imagery to it...
though any kind of stomp or gait doesn't sound right either, you mentioned sharpened hooves, maybe something dramatic...
"pierce me with sharpened hooves"