01-04-2018, 05:08 AM
(01-04-2018, 03:52 AM)nibbed Wrote: Simple Note (to the Brain Mapper of Sorcery):
you could never i think you could pull "love me" up in this first line
love me enough to let me be myself
so you'll keep me lost in pretense
your self-made Jezebel
push me from the window
trollop me with sharpened hooves didn´t know that word and could only find a noun as translation for "trollop" and then still couldn´t sort the meaning into the poem´s context- is that meant to mean "turn me into a trollop"?
never let me find who I really am
(though I know she's there)
the one God sees and loves
it's a small space you've been given consider staying in 1st person here.
a short time
I have that thing called hope
that makes the sound of rushing horses nothing you could condense this to "my hope sounds like rushing horses".. the image is pretty powerful, like someone sitting on a horse that is running full speed against a wall (i.e. death), having faith that it will be broken.
but triumph of my speedy arrival
to an eternity waiting
where I can be me kind of cliché and said before in L 8 and 9
forever
that poem reminds me of another one of yours that spoke about lies to keep someone from fainting and i can relate personally, maybe to similar situations and the pain that comes from them.
this "speedy arrival" however worries me. triumph is over-rated. eternity can wait longer. the impact of your faith stays the same.
...