The Cold of Cailleach

[Leanne]

Cheers - will take all suggestions under consideration.

The cloud-crowned thunderer
speaks to his people
with the falling rain .....I take this to mean some Celtic deity, though I don't know which (Toutatis? Belenos? O Anthea Bell and Derek Hockridge!!) -- whichever sinks your boat. Ancient Scots lore personifies weather and landmarks but doesn't always name them, or many of the names have been muddled with the Irish, particularly on the west coast where the Dalriada did their dirty business.
 
He speaks often
and is not always polite
 
Turning her smooth face skyward ...nice transition
the loch lady drinks .
at one with the salmon til season’s end ...'til, I've been told. It might be my ignorance, but isn't salmon a migrating fish that come in from the sea? How do they get into the loch? A lagoon would be different. Isn't Scottish salmon farmed, moreover? Although 'at one' could mean many things, I find the juxtaposition of the salmon and the lock disconcerting. -- til, 'til, till -- no matter which you use, someone will say it's wrong so I just decided not to care.  And yes, there are salmon in the lochs (not locks, they'd get squished). There are salmon fishing competitions held in Loch Ness, and many of them run to the sea. In the Highlands, meltwater will carry fish all over the place.  There is an old legend that talks of the spring aspect of the Triple Goddess, the Bride, waiting in the belly of a salmon to be released when the Cailleach turns to stone. I like it.  Sounds moist.
 
She blesses her followers
with gifts of ale and mead
 
The threefold goddess
blue-faced now and one-eyed
breathes ice into open-mouthed crags ... I feel cold reading this already. And I'm on a plane to London this weekend. Damn.
 
Her love for her people
has no room for weakness
 
Foreign stones do not crush
a breast that has risen and fallen
since suns were ice
 
To be reborn each year
until the years are no more ...cliched -- you're probably right.  Suggestions welcome.
 
In the shadow of the storm
the great stag watches
and dreams of spring...This is a magical strophe, a poem in itself. Perhaps you could end it here? I understand that it disrupts the 3/2 pattern, but so what? you began with a 3, so there's a nice circularity there. I'm going to make it my signature.
 
When he and his newly-young goddess
will bring the land to life ...cliched last line, and quite a comedown from the strophe above. -- I tend to think this is important, in terms of the mythology and the eternal marriage of Cernunnos and his Bride, but suggestions are welcome.