The cloud-crowned thunderer
speaks to his people
with the falling rain
 
He speaks often
and is not always polite
 
Turning her smooth face skyward
the loch lady drinks
at one with the salmon til season’s end
 
She blesses her followers
with gifts of ale and mead
 
The threefold goddess
blue-faced now and one-eyed
breathes ice into open-mouthed crags
 
Her love for her people
has no room for weakness
 
Foreign stones do not crush
a breast that has risen and fallen
since suns were ice
 
To be reborn each year
until the years are no more
 
In the shadow of the storm
the great stag watches
and dreams of spring
 
When he and his newly-young goddess
will bring the land to life

(10-26-2017, 04:33 AM)Leanne Wrote:  The cloud-crowned thunderer
speaks to his people
with the falling rain .....I take this to mean some Celtic deity, though I don't know which (Toutatis? Belenos? O Anthea Bell and Derek Hockridge!!)
 
He speaks often
and is not always polite
 
Turning her smooth face skyward ...nice transition
the loch lady drinks .
at one with the salmon til season’s end ...'til, I've been told. It might be my ignorance, but isn't salmon a migrating fish that come in from the sea? How do they get into the loch? A lagoon would be different. Isn't Scottish salmon farmed, moreover? Although 'at one' could mean many things, I find the juxtaposition of the salmon and the lock disconcerting.
 
She blesses her followers
with gifts of ale and mead
 
The threefold goddess
blue-faced now and one-eyed
breathes ice into open-mouthed crags ... I feel cold reading this already. And I'm on a plane to London this weekend. Damn.
 
Her love for her people
has no room for weakness
 
Foreign stones do not crush
a breast that has risen and fallen
since suns were ice
 
To be reborn each year
until the years are no more ...cliched
 
In the shadow of the storm
the great stag watches
and dreams of spring...This is a magical strophe, a poem in itself. Perhaps you could end it here? I understand that it disrupts the 3/2 pattern, but so what? you began with a 3, so there's a nice circularity there. I'm going to make it my signature.
 
When he and his newly-young goddess
will bring the land to life ...cliched last line, and quite a comedown from the strophe above.

Cheers - will take all suggestions under consideration.

(10-26-2017, 05:03 AM)Achebe Wrote:  

(10-26-2017, 04:33 AM)Leanne Wrote:  The cloud-crowned thunderer
speaks to his people
with the falling rain .....I take this to mean some Celtic deity, though I don't know which (Toutatis? Belenos? O Anthea Bell and Derek Hockridge!!) -- whichever sinks your boat. Ancient Scots lore personifies weather and landmarks but doesn't always name them, or many of the names have been muddled with the Irish, particularly on the west coast where the Dalriada did their dirty business.
 
He speaks often
and is not always polite
 
Turning her smooth face skyward ...nice transition
the loch lady drinks .
at one with the salmon til season’s end ...'til, I've been told. It might be my ignorance, but isn't salmon a migrating fish that come in from the sea? How do they get into the loch? A lagoon would be different. Isn't Scottish salmon farmed, moreover? Although 'at one' could mean many things, I find the juxtaposition of the salmon and the lock disconcerting. -- til, 'til, till -- no matter which you use, someone will say it's wrong so I just decided not to care.  And yes, there are salmon in the lochs (not locks, they'd get squished). There are salmon fishing competitions held in Loch Ness, and many of them run to the sea. In the Highlands, meltwater will carry fish all over the place.  There is an old legend that talks of the spring aspect of the Triple Goddess, the Bride, waiting in the belly of a salmon to be released when the Cailleach turns to stone. I like it.  Sounds moist.
 
She blesses her followers
with gifts of ale and mead
 
The threefold goddess
blue-faced now and one-eyed
breathes ice into open-mouthed crags ... I feel cold reading this already. And I'm on a plane to London this weekend. Damn.
 
Her love for her people
has no room for weakness
 
Foreign stones do not crush
a breast that has risen and fallen
since suns were ice
 
To be reborn each year
until the years are no more ...cliched -- you're probably right.  Suggestions welcome.
 
In the shadow of the storm
the great stag watches
and dreams of spring...This is a magical strophe, a poem in itself. Perhaps you could end it here? I understand that it disrupts the 3/2 pattern, but so what? you began with a 3, so there's a nice circularity there. I'm going to make it my signature.
 
When he and his newly-young goddess
will bring the land to life ...cliched last line, and quite a comedown from the strophe above. -- I tend to think this is important, in terms of the mythology and the eternal marriage of Cernunnos and his Bride, but suggestions are welcome.

Hi Leanne

The cloud-crowned thunderer
The repetition of 'aʊ' (in klaʊd-kraʊnd) is a bit of a mouthful.
Why not 'capped'?
speaks to his people
with the falling rain
perhaps 'through' rather than 'with'?
Good opening stanza.

He speaks often
and is not always polite
(very nice)

Turning her smooth face skyward
'smooth face' doesn't do very much.
the loch lady drinks
'loch lady' seems a bit weak after 'cloud-crowned'
at one with the salmon til season’s end

She blesses her followers
with gifts of ale and mead
this doesn't seem to me to be doing much.

The threefold goddess
blue-faced now and one-eyed
breathes ice into open-mouthed crags
suggestion;
breathes life into the open mouths of crags
(ssomewhat more active phrasing, and less hyphenation)

Her love for her people
perhaps 'the' to avoid repeating 'her'?
has no room for weakness
nice couplet.

Foreign stones do not crush
Not too sure about 'foreign', but 'can' for 'do'?
a breast that has risen and fallen
this reads oddly to me (has = past tense, therefore they are no longer rising or falling).
since suns were ice

To be reborn each year
until the years are no more
(isn't this the blue-faced hag that also turns to stone on Beltane Eve?)

In the shadow of the storm
the great stag watches
and dreams of spring

When he and his newly-young goddess
will bring the land to life
I agree with achebe, this is a weak end to a strong piece.
(Not to mention how contentious the Horned God + Bride seems to be online)


A restructuring suggestion:
The cloud-crowned thunderer
speaks to his people
with the falling rain

He speaks often
and is not always polite

Turning her [blue] face skyward
the [threefold goddess] drinks
breathes ice into open-mouthed crags

[She]____
________ (I think you need to echo the tone of S2 here)

In the shadow of the storm
the great stag watches
and dreams of spring

To be reborn each year
until the years are no more

Best, Knot

Hi Knot, thank you for your suggestions. I can see how they would work if this were just an exposé on the habits of gods and goddesses, but it isn't intended that way (any moron can write a poem about mythology, after all). This is a journey poem, and the whole is intended as a metaphor. In fact, I have already told you much of the story involved. The deities are just placeholders for people.

Hi Leanne,

I haven't read any of the comments and I've had some false starts in trying to give feedback. Hopefully, the feedback will still have value. I enjoyed the tone of the piece and it reminded me of a Neil Gaiman work, Norse Gods, that I recently read. Not so much for the content, but as a reminder that the gods stand in to demonstrate our human extremes. They are examples of our hubris and folly. So, when I read this poem I see them as an overlay to a relationship and I also get the sense of a transition from old to new (rebirth) with your seasonal winter/spring imagery.

From the title, I think of personified winter. The cold of the hag. The cold in a relationship, or as Steven's would say, "One must have a mind of winter."

(10-26-2017, 04:33 AM)Leanne Wrote:  The cloud-crowned thunderer
speaks to his people
with the falling rain
 
He speaks often
and is not always polite
 
We open with this first character. This sky thunderer (Zeus, Thor, pick your poison). The sky is often set against the earth as a male/female dynamic. We seem to have that here. We have this patriarch who carries a sense or true authority cloud-crowned is an economical and nicely phrased way of bringing out a few ideas and characterizations. The lack of politeness is a great way to imply the storm. 

Turning her smooth face skyward--One comment on a small but good choice. I like smooth here because in this context we have one party thundering (violent, yelling, could stand for a great level of implied conflict). To say, her "smooth" face, it may imply that she is unperturbed and also ageless, but what I mostly take from it is a level of control in placing on a mask.
the loch lady drinks--She is not called one of his followers. She has followers of her own. The rain is not necessarily for her, but she takes what she needs. This could be someone that bides their time and uses what's given.
at one with the salmon til season’s end--I take the salmon as something significant. Salmon travel to their spawning place to spawn themselves and die. Perhaps, this revolves around childbirth, but it also deals with submerging oneself for the sake of a purpose. Till season's end makes me think that she endures in this relationship and knows that it will conclude.
 
She blesses her followers
with gifts of ale and mead--alcohol to make merry, possibly alcohol to dull the senses.
 
The threefold goddess --Seems like a representation of the Fates.
blue-faced now and one-eyed
breathes ice into open-mouthed crags--lovely phrasing. Shuts the mouths of those around her possibly.
 
Her love for her people
has no room for weakness--weakness is punished. It feels like whomever she must protect drives her strength and forces her mask to remain smooth.
 
Foreign stones do not crush--implication those closer to home might crush. The enemy is within the camp. 
a breast that has risen and fallen
since suns were ice--This is a lovely line. It has the timeless feeling I associate with good myths.
 
To be reborn each year
until the years are no more--while there's a symmetry to this and a promise that is hopeful, I think I'd like to see a short image add some punch to it to make it more than a slightly predictable saying (not saying cliche just easy to anticipate).
 
In the shadow of the storm
the great stag watches
and dreams of spring--Love this line and the promise of a new beginning.
 
When he and his newly-young goddess
will bring the land to life--maybe something that shows this happening. I think going one level closer to image instead of the summary will make this pop more.

I fear I might have been all over the place. Hope something in there helps.

Best,

Todd

Many thanks, Todd, both for your excellent critique and for reminding me why I keep inflicting this poetry business on myself

I will definitely address the ending as it's always seemed imperfect to me, though the concept needs to remain... ah, challenges!

Hey Leanne,
I'm afraid I'm not as familiar with mythology as I used to be, but I'll try to give some helpful suggestions:

(10-26-2017, 04:33 AM)Leanne Wrote:  The cloud-crowned thunderer -I'm assuming this is Zeus or Thor. I quite like the wording here. When I read this out loud, it just sounded wonderful.
speaks to his people
with the falling rain -I like the idea of the god here speaking to his followers with the weather. However, I would suggest using a different word than "falling" because it seems a bit redundant to me. All rain falls, doesn't it?
 
He speaks often -Is the word "speaks" repeated intentionally?
and is not always polite -I like this detail because it's true from what I know of the ancient gods, and also true of the rain.
 
Turning her smooth face skyward -Even after reading this poem multiple times, I have no idea who the "her" is here. My lack of knowledge about mythology is probably the cause though.
the loch lady drinks
at one with the salmon til season’s end -I find this a quirky image, but I like it. Is this a hint at who the goddess may be?
 
She blesses her followers
with gifts of ale and mead -It was thinking about this stanza that made me realize how the two line stanzas are outlining how the gods treat the mortals. I quite like your use of structure in this way.
 
The threefold goddess
blue-faced now and one-eyed
breathes ice into open-mouthed crags -I think this stanza might be the strongest in the poem. Its imagery is just wonderful, and I can see and feel it as I read it.
 
Her love for her people
has no room for weakness -I found this stanza interesting because it makes this goddess' love sound somewhat cold, which is appropriate considering the previous stanza.
 
Foreign stones do not crush -I might be missing something, but I feel like "Foreign stones" is an image that could be expanded upon.
a breast that has risen and fallen -Whose breast is this? Which god's, or all of them?
since suns were ice -I like this line. I'm a sucker for paradoxical description. Plus, it emphasizes how old the gods are.
 
To be reborn each year
until the years are no more -This stanza accurately describes the curse of immortality. 
 
In the shadow of the storm -I wonder if you could describe the storm so it connects back to the idea of the rain being some form of communication? Just a thought.
the great stag watches -I feel like the great stag is another god, but I could be wrong.
and dreams of spring -The image of spring ties back to the the idea of rebirth nicely.
 
When he and his newly-young goddess
will bring the land to life -Wouldn't the rain do that as well? I wonder is there a way to make that connection? Just a thought. 

I almost didn't post this critique because as I worked on it, I realized I was probably missing some important background knowledge to fully appreciate this poem. I just hope some of what I said was helpful. I also didn't read the other critiques, so forgive me if I repeated anything someone else said.

Cheers.
Richard

Thank you Richard, that's a great set of insights and it gives me a lot to consider for edits. I really appreciate such detailed thoughts.