Camazotz, revision 4

[Lizzie]

Todd and Knot: very helpful responses, thank you. Several changes have been made, and I think it's moving in the right direction. 

All ideas are still being considered, and I'll probably make adjustments like I always do.

P.S. I don't know about weatherproof verses weatherproofing. I'll have to look into that.

[Knot]

Hi Lizzie,

love what you've done with the first line,
instantly funny, made me laugh.
There seems to be more to be gained
from altering some of the line breaks -
I'm one of those people now
whose fantasies actualize
choosing a paint swatch              - for instance.

I think you could switch 'hissing cockroaches'
and 'scorpions' around (to play off 'slanders')

Would your dogs work as
Pomeranian, Pekingese,
Chihuahua, Shih Tzu.   ?  


What would Bukowski say?
Whine, whine, wine.
(This seems to beg for a raised glass, or a popping cork)

Cheers, Knot.

[Lizzie]

Hi Lizzie,

love what you've done with the first line,
instantly funny, made me laugh. Thanks to Todd, on this one.
There seems to be more to be gained
from altering some of the line breaks -
I'm one of those people now
whose fantasies actualize
choosing a paint swatch              - for instance. Changed.

I think you could switch 'hissing cockroaches'
and 'scorpions' around (to play off 'slanders') Changed.

Would your dogs work as
Pomeranian, Pekingese,
Chihuahua, Shih Tzu.   ?  I tried this to get Pomeranian closer to vermin, but all of the 'p' sounds seemed too close together then. I didn't want the alliteration to call so much attention to itself.


What would Bukowski say?
Whine, whine, wine.
(This seems to beg for a raised glass, or a popping cork) Interesting. Yeah, I'll try that out. 

Cheers, Knot.

Thanks for coming back, Knot. Appreciate the feedback. 

[Knot]

Hi Lizzie,
I was also seeing alliteration, though in Pekingese/Pomeranian/people,
but what I heard (I think) was a kind of echo between 'Shih Tzu'
and 'actualize' which I found pleasing
and similar thought leads me to suggest
in cool summer neutrals —
Pinot Grigio, Serengeti Sun, Ecru Mushroom
(original had humans/cool/neutrals...ecru mushroom, far too many uː  sounds so close together).
do you need 'too' (another uː) after 'wholesale'?
'and whistle' to 'whistling' makes for a smoother flow I think.


Best, Knot

[Achebe]

I like the Pop Clink.
Otherwise, I think the edited version is poorer for cutting out ‘Baja beige’. Although ‘the breast that doesn’t sweat’ was trying too hard.
‘Fantasies actualise” sounds horrible
I think the original also began very well. The edited version begins with a boring philosophical observation.

[Lizzie]

Hi Lizzie,
I was also seeing alliteration, though in Pekingese/Pomeranian/people,
but what I heard (I think) was a kind of echo between 'Shih Tzu'
and 'actualize' which I found pleasing
and similar thought leads me to suggest
in cool summer neutrals —
Pinot Grigio, Serengeti Sun, Ecru Mushroom
(original had humans/cool/neutrals...ecru mushroom, far too many uː  sounds so close together).
do you need 'too' (another uː) after 'wholesale'?
'and whistle' to 'whistling' makes for a smoother flow I think.


Best, Knot

Hi, Knot! I appreciate you coming back to the piece, and I will look again at those sonics.

---

I like the Pop Clink.
Otherwise, I think the edited version is poorer for cutting out ‘Baja beige’. Although ‘the breast that doesn’t sweat’ was trying too hard.
‘Fantasies actualise” sounds horrible
I think the original also began very well. The edited version begins with a boring philosophical observation.

Hey you. Well, horrible sonics isn't good, is it? Oh, dear....

Did you like Baja beige for what it was or could another descriptive element take its place?

And you'd rather the first line be: "I play a part," rather than "We all look mass produced here?" Ok, I'll think on it.

[Achebe]

Hi Lizzie,
I was also seeing alliteration, though in Pekingese/Pomeranian/people,
but what I heard (I think) was a kind of echo between 'Shih Tzu'
and 'actualize' which I found pleasing
and similar thought leads me to suggest
in cool summer neutrals —
Pinot Grigio, Serengeti Sun, Ecru Mushroom
(original had humans/cool/neutrals...ecru mushroom, far too many uː  sounds so close together).
do you need 'too' (another uː) after 'wholesale'?
'and whistle' to 'whistling' makes for a smoother flow I think.


Best, Knot

Hi, Knot! I appreciate you coming back to the piece, and I will look again at those sonics.

---

I like the Pop Clink.
Otherwise, I think the edited version is poorer for cutting out ‘Baja beige’. Although ‘the breast that doesn’t sweat’ was trying too hard.
‘Fantasies actualise” sounds horrible
I think the original also began very well. The edited version begins with a boring philosophical observation.

Hey you. Well, horrible sonics isn't good, is it? Oh, dear....

Did you like Baja beige for what it was or could another descriptive element take its place?

And you'd rather the first line be: "I play a part," rather than "We all look mass produced here?" Ok, I'll think on it.

The original had many things goung for it
The intro was interesting
There was more detail 
This isn’t the type of poem where economy helps a great deal, its conversational
I’d rather you stuck with the original