08-14-2017, 01:31 AM
Intuition
Find yourself little one. No one will tell you how to do it
Rise like troubled, angry waves
Precipitate down, soak the cracks beneath the ground which you trodded.
Climb the roots little one. Fibers stretching, pulling, grasping
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely I think this line may belong with your image of the cracks in the ground
Regain your footing now, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend.
Seek the trees little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks // perhaps "seek the trees, learn from their leaves"
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here, tearing apart your future, benign and stupid and cushy.
Is it too hard little one? Everyone is tired; who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul. Love this line. Implies what you're guiding towards is power.
Some thoughts:
I think this poem has some really powerful images and messages. The poem also includes quite a bit "fluffy" language and images which distract the reader and get in the way of the poem. I don't take issue with the phrase "little one" but I would use it sparingly and selectively. You're providing instruction and guidance for the person you're addressing, consider what the message is that you're attempting to communicate; ensure images and wording reinforce and strengthen this message and do not sidetrack your reader. As Faulkner said: Kill your darlings.
Find yourself little one. No one will tell you how to do it
Rise like troubled, angry waves
Precipitate down, soak the cracks beneath the ground which you trodded.
Climb the roots little one. Fibers stretching, pulling, grasping
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely I think this line may belong with your image of the cracks in the ground
Regain your footing now, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend.
Seek the trees little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks // perhaps "seek the trees, learn from their leaves"
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here, tearing apart your future, benign and stupid and cushy.
Is it too hard little one? Everyone is tired; who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul. Love this line. Implies what you're guiding towards is power.
Some thoughts:
I think this poem has some really powerful images and messages. The poem also includes quite a bit "fluffy" language and images which distract the reader and get in the way of the poem. I don't take issue with the phrase "little one" but I would use it sparingly and selectively. You're providing instruction and guidance for the person you're addressing, consider what the message is that you're attempting to communicate; ensure images and wording reinforce and strengthen this message and do not sidetrack your reader. As Faulkner said: Kill your darlings.
“If you don't break your ropes while you're alive, do you think ghosts will do it after?” Kabir