Intuition
Find yourself little one. No one will tell you how to do it
Rise like troubled, angry waves
Precipitate down, soak the cracks beneath the ground which you trodded.
Climb the roots little one. Fibers stretching, pulling, grasping
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely
Regain your footing now, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend.
Seek the trees little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here, tearing apart your future, benign and stupid and cushy.
Is it too hard little one? Everyone is tired; who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul.
Edit One:
Intuition.
Find yourself, little one. No one will tell you how to do it
Rise like troubled, angry waves
Precipitate down, soak cracks 'neath marks you've made.
Climb the roots, little one. Fibers stretch, pull, grasp
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely
Regain your footing, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend.
Seek the trees, little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here – halting your progress – benign and cushy.
Is it too hard, little one? Everyone is tired, who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul.
Overall really enjoyed this! I like the repetition of "little one", as it makes it feel like instructions-- the little one being commanded to find themselves just like everyone else. Also love the tree imagery, starting from the fibers to the trees to the trunks and back to the little wrinkles. Got both macro and micro images, whcih is always cool.
I would probably put a comma before little one, since it's an address. Some inline comments below.
Quote:Find yourself little one. No one will tell you how to do it
Rise like troubled, angry waves
Precipitate down, soak the cracks beneath the ground which you trodded.
I like the rise and fall that mirrors an angry wave's movement. I think the last line might be just a tad long, which makes it feel a bit out of place? Just "trod" is the past tense for tread. "Where" instead of "where".
Also, because I really like this image, I'm wondering if it could've made a reappearance.
Climb the roots little one. Fibers stretching, pulling, grasping
stretch, pull, and grasp instead of the gerund form here, to match with the tense you use throughout 
I'm thinking of a mangrove forest, where the trees all climb and fight over each other. Maybe because of the water imagery from before.
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely
Regain your footing now, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend.
Fill the footprints of someone else and regain your footing is such a great portrayal of someone trying to grow up and be better
Seek the trees little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here, tearing apart your future, benign and stupid and cushy.
Why is solace tearing apart your future? Is solace benign and stupid and cushy, or is it your future? Got a bit confused for the one line.
I do like "wrapping their wrinkles". I get an image of someone plastic wrapping tree trunks with leaves, to try and make them feel better.
Is it too hard little one? Everyone is tired; who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul.
A way to tell the little one to travel and fall in love and meet people to find themselves.
hi fuzzyllama1
There are many good things about this poem. I liked it, and I liked the form, too.
Intuition
Find yourself little one. No one will tell you how to do it
Rise like troubled, angry waves
Precipitate down, soak the cracks beneath the ground which you trodded. how can you soak something that is past?
Climb the roots little one. Fibers stretching, pulling, grasping
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely
Regain your footing now, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend. this is good and encouraging.
Seek the trees little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here, tearing apart your future, benign and stupid and cushy. seems to invite, yet, warn.
Is it too hard little one? Everyone is tired; who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul. I like this ending, poetically beautiful.
Thanks for the read. I liked the little one bit, too.
I thought of one older giving advice to one younger.
Have a blessed day.
nibbed
Thank you Lydish and nibbed. I'll get to work on the grammatical errors tomorrow. After reading your critiques, I think I'll try to rework the longer lines.
Hello, fuzzyllama. I have a couple of comments for you.
(08-02-2017, 01:31 PM)fuzzyllama1 Wrote: [ -> ]Edit One:
Intuition.
Find yourself, little one. No one will tell you how to do it -- You want to use your line breaks strategically to emphasize key words and create interesting enjambments. Ending on "it" is weak here both because it's a non-evocative word and because we don't actually know what "it" is. I'd change the position of the line break and clarify your argument so that you're not relying here on a pronoun that doesn't correlate to an actual noun.
Rise like troubled, angry waves -- like this
Precipitate down, soak cracks 'neath marks you've made. -- "precipitate" and "down" are redundant to my understanding, since rain falls down by nature. Why "'neath" instead of beneath/underneath? Usually these omissions are to satisfy the demands of meter, but I'm not detecting any regular meter in this piece.
Climb the roots, little one. Fibers stretch, pull, grasp -- Who/what do said fibers belong to? Who is the subject of this discussion?
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely
Regain your footing, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend. -- "regain your footing" is a cliche
Seek the trees, little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here – halting your progress – benign and cushy. -- Why is the speaker encouraging the little one here to slow down and spend some time with the trees when everywhere else they're being admonished to push forward, embrace discomfort?
Is it too hard, little one? Everyone is tired, who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul. -- Good last line. Ties things up succinctly and lets the reader in on the specific topic being discussed.
Overall, I think it tells too much and doesn't show nearly as much as it could. For example, rather than say "regain your footing," how could you demonstrate that process with an image, metaphor, simile? (hint, "shoulders back and down" gives an image).
I wouldn't automatically capitalize the beginning of every line. It's a custom that is fading from usefulness.
The punctuation is haphazard and spotty. I'm an all-in or all-out kinda girl when it comes to punctuation. Just be consistent.
Hope this helps some.
Lizzie
(08-02-2017, 01:31 PM)fuzzyllama1 Wrote: [ -> ]Intuition
Find yourself little one. No one will tell you how to do it The pep is not really doing it for me.
Rise like troubled, angry waves Spice it up here. Angry waves are cliche homie.
Precipitate down, soak the cracks beneath the ground which you trodded. Trod is already a past participle verb of "tread". -ed is not needed. Maybe another verb?
Climb the roots little one. Fibers stretching, pulling, grasping You can convey much more without listing verbs out if you get just a bit more creative.
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely I like your imagery of "filling prints", but please expand on that image! You follow it with "familiar and lonely" which is a bit generic. Edit- The following line says "Regain your footing", and connecting that to filling in prints, the idea is pretty cool.
Regain your footing now, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend.
Seek the trees little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here, tearing apart your future, benign and stupid and cushy. I don't think that "and" is needed there.
Is it too hard little one? Everyone is tired; who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul. I like the contrast here.
Edit One:
Intuition.
Find yourself, little one. No one will tell you how to do it
Rise like troubled, angry waves
Precipitate down, soak cracks 'neath marks you've made.
Climb the roots, little one. Fibers stretch, pull, grasp
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely
Regain your footing, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend.
Seek the trees, little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here – halting your progress – benign and cushy.
Is it too hard, little one? Everyone is tired, who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul.
Knowing this is a seemingly important phrase repeated through the poem, "little one" feels like a patronizing name to call the reader; reading it out loud just makes me feel uncomfortable. The words of encouragement leading up to "little one" are fine. Other gripes with the poem is that it's vocabulary, as well as imagery, is pretty generic,
and it ends rather abruptly, which, if it was to be an abrupt ending, I don't know what for. The ending I actually adore now. I read through it as another metaphor with an idealized loved one in it, but this loved one is actually what the poem is about. Also, the "little one" seems to be climbing roots before he sought the trees, which is kind of weird.
Needs work. Minor tweaks needed.
Intuition
Find yourself little one. No one will tell you how to do it
Rise like troubled, angry waves
Precipitate down, soak the cracks beneath the ground which you trodded.
Climb the roots little one. Fibers stretching, pulling, grasping
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely I think this line may belong with your image of the cracks in the ground
Regain your footing now, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend.
Seek the trees little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks // perhaps "seek the trees, learn from their leaves"
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here, tearing apart your future, benign and stupid and cushy.
Is it too hard little one? Everyone is tired; who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul. Love this line. Implies what you're guiding towards is power.
Some thoughts:
I think this poem has some really powerful images and messages. The poem also includes quite a bit "fluffy" language and images which distract the reader and get in the way of the poem. I don't take issue with the phrase "little one" but I would use it sparingly and selectively. You're providing instruction and guidance for the person you're addressing, consider what the message is that you're attempting to communicate; ensure images and wording reinforce and strengthen this message and do not sidetrack your reader. As Faulkner said: Kill your darlings.
(08-11-2017, 06:38 AM)Lizzie Wrote: [ -> ]Hello, fuzzyllama. I have a couple of comments for you.
(08-02-2017, 01:31 PM)fuzzyllama1 Wrote: [ -> ]Edit One:
Intuition.
Find yourself, little one. No one will tell you how to do it -- You want to use your line breaks strategically to emphasize key words and create interesting enjambments. Ending on "it" is weak here both because it's a non-evocative word and because we don't actually know what "it" is. I'd change the position of the line break and clarify your argument so that you're not relying here on a pronoun that doesn't correlate to an actual noun.
Rise like troubled, angry waves -- like this
Precipitate down, soak cracks 'neath marks you've made. -- "precipitate" and "down" are redundant to my understanding, since rain falls down by nature. Why "'neath" instead of beneath/underneath? Usually these omissions are to satisfy the demands of meter, but I'm not detecting any regular meter in this piece.
Climb the roots, little one. Fibers stretch, pull, grasp -- Who/what do said fibers belong to? Who is the subject of this discussion?
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely
Regain your footing, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend. -- "regain your footing" is a cliche
Seek the trees, little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here – halting your progress – benign and cushy. -- Why is the speaker encouraging the little one here to slow down and spend some time with the trees when everywhere else they're being admonished to push forward, embrace discomfort?
Is it too hard, little one? Everyone is tired, who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul. -- Good last line. Ties things up succinctly and lets the reader in on the specific topic being discussed.
Overall, I think it tells too much and doesn't show nearly as much as it could. For example, rather than say "regain your footing," how could you demonstrate that process with an image, metaphor, simile? (hint, "shoulders back and down" gives an image).
I wouldn't automatically capitalize the beginning of every line. It's a custom that is fading from usefulness.
The punctuation is haphazard and spotty. I'm an all-in or all-out kinda girl when it comes to punctuation. Just be consistent.
Hope this helps some.
Lizzie
Hi Lizzie,
Thank you for your time breaking down my poem. Emphasized words, line structure, grammar are all weak points of mine. Your criticisms help me see these things in a much more objective light. With the poem how it is, I do not lead the reader in the direction I want them to go. I'll need to rework a lot of stuff here if I'm going to get my point across. I feel I am going to come back to your comment a lot during my editing sessions!
(08-13-2017, 11:17 AM)alexorande Wrote: [ -> ] (08-02-2017, 01:31 PM)fuzzyllama1 Wrote: [ -> ]Intuition
Find yourself little one. No one will tell you how to do it The pep is not really doing it for me.
Rise like troubled, angry waves Spice it up here. Angry waves are cliche homie.
Precipitate down, soak the cracks beneath the ground which you trodded. Trod is already a past participle verb of "tread". -ed is not needed. Maybe another verb?
Climb the roots little one. Fibers stretching, pulling, grasping You can convey much more without listing verbs out if you get just a bit more creative.
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely I like your imagery of "filling prints", but please expand on that image! You follow it with "familiar and lonely" which is a bit generic. Edit- The following line says "Regain your footing", and connecting that to filling in prints, the idea is pretty cool.
Regain your footing now, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend.
Seek the trees little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here, tearing apart your future, benign and stupid and cushy. I don't think that "and" is needed there.
Is it too hard little one? Everyone is tired; who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul. I like the contrast here.
Edit One:
Intuition.
Find yourself, little one. No one will tell you how to do it
Rise like troubled, angry waves
Precipitate down, soak cracks 'neath marks you've made.
Climb the roots, little one. Fibers stretch, pull, grasp
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely
Regain your footing, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend.
Seek the trees, little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here – halting your progress – benign and cushy.
Is it too hard, little one? Everyone is tired, who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul.
Knowing this is a seemingly important phrase repeated through the poem, "little one" feels like a patronizing name to call the reader; reading it out loud just makes me feel uncomfortable. The words of encouragement leading up to "little one" are fine. Other gripes with the poem is that it's vocabulary, as well as imagery, is pretty generic, and it ends rather abruptly, which, if it was to be an abrupt ending, I don't know what for. The ending I actually adore now. I read through it as another metaphor with an idealized loved one in it, but this loved one is actually what the poem is about. Also, the "little one" seems to be climbing roots before he sought the trees, which is kind of weird. Needs work. Minor tweaks needed.
Hi Alex,
I'm glad you felt patronized because that was the exact tone I was trying to set with this poem
Most of your words ring true with me. A lot of the imagery is generic and I can do better. I'll take your advice into account upon revision.
(08-14-2017, 01:31 AM)lyon Wrote: [ -> ]Intuition
Find yourself little one. No one will tell you how to do it
Rise like troubled, angry waves
Precipitate down, soak the cracks beneath the ground which you trodded.
Climb the roots little one. Fibers stretching, pulling, grasping
Fill the prints, familiar and lonely I think this line may belong with your image of the cracks in the ground
Regain your footing now, shoulders back and down, smile and pretend.
Seek the trees little one. Look to their leaves, learn from their trunks // perhaps "seek the trees, learn from their leaves"
Embrace, wrap their wrinkles
Solace awaits you here, tearing apart your future, benign and stupid and cushy.
Is it too hard little one? Everyone is tired; who are you to stop?
Collect yourself, pack up
A ship can move your body, a woman can move your soul. Love this line. Implies what you're guiding towards is power.
Some thoughts:
I think this poem has some really powerful images and messages. The poem also includes quite a bit "fluffy" language and images which distract the reader and get in the way of the poem. I don't take issue with the phrase "little one" but I would use it sparingly and selectively. You're providing instruction and guidance for the person you're addressing, consider what the message is that you're attempting to communicate; ensure images and wording reinforce and strengthen this message and do not sidetrack your reader. As Faulkner said: Kill your darlings.
Lyon,
As always, your comment is appreciated. I'm going to cut some fluff and generic language when I edit.