(01-13-2017, 02:22 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: Hi Timeout, I think I understand the point that you are trying to convey but I feel as though it is all lost within rhymes without reason. Some people may like the occasional internal rhyme but for me there are far too many in this poem and they don't help with the read.
(01-12-2017, 06:54 PM)TimeOut Wrote: Truancy is a
huge nuance
You see today
world power
is calculated
in Twitter hours — I'm not getting the significance of truancy and nuance - without the first three lines I feel that the subsequent statement is more powerful - perhaps 'twitter time' instead of hours
Fake to you
is news to me — topical and relevant - it works for me
A mistake is
an Easy-Bake recipe
nuked to perfection
The burnt confections
once savored in
founding fathers'
bulleted collections — I'm lost with the rest of this stanza
Popular doesn't mean
you're familiar
with poplar trees' — I get the 'u' in poplar but it feels like it's trying to be too clever
uprooted, colluded fruit — do poplar trees bear fruit?
The apricot face — I like this phrase - I would separate it from the previous stanza to avoid the confusion of poplar trees bearing apricots
is a new race
in diplomacy
@LittleBoPeep
Shame 'bout those sheep
...WEAK! — I'm lost again... Baaa
Less confusing rhymes would make it easier to read, there are a couple of phrases buried within that could be made to sparkle more with less tinsel draped around them.
Thanks for the read,
Mark
Hey Mark,
Thanks for the critique. I understand what you mean about rhyme overkill...I've taken to writing rap lyrics, so sonically that explains the internal rhyme. I want to get back more into writing poetry, and I definitely see how it seems overdone.
Obviously, this poem is a comment on Trump, so truancy is the idea that Trump has stayed away from the school of politics AKA it being just a nuance to him.
I agree the end of the second stanza needs work. I was trying to convey how he's taken a shit on the parts of our constitution our founding fathers once held dear.
I think you might have missed the reference in the third stanza to the poem (made famous when sung by Billie Holiday) 'Strange Fruit'. I meant for it to be a deeper commentary about not caring for past digressions and the collusion he's already brought with his coming 'presidency'. The new race being his apricot or 'orange' skin.
I threw in the last stanza as a jab at his use of tweets which he frequently ends with BAD! WEAK! HORRIBLE, but directed it at as a tweet at Little Bo Peep (who lost her sheep
) as reference to the sheep, in my own opinion, that support him.
Clearly, it's all still a bit vague and not necessarily understood by the reader. I will definitely take you comments to heart on my next edit.
wae aye man ye radgie
